


Where were you?

by Blainers_Salvatore



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blangst Fic Challenge, Blangst Prompt of the Day, Boys In Love, Depressed Blaine, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Getting Back Together, Glee Season/Series 06, Glee Season/Series 06 Reaction, Hurt Blaine Anderson, Hurt/Comfort, Klaine, Love, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Romantic Angst, Romantic Fluff, Sick Blaine Anderson, Sickfic, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:20:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29018073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blainers_Salvatore/pseuds/Blainers_Salvatore
Summary: When something happens to Blaine, Kurt is terrified and he realizes that he should have never let him go. Kurt just wants Blaine to be okay but sometimes it's not that simple. Set after the 6X01 Klaine break-up because it was done terribly on the show and we needed to see more of the conversations that helped them heal. Contains Blangst, Klaine fluff, Worried!Kurt, Hurt!Blaine and a happy ending.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Comments: 21
Kudos: 63





	1. You Found Me

Kurt felt like he was on top of the world.

He had just walked out of his last exam for the semester, and he was pretty sure he aced it. Of course, there were some parts in his Dance 302 exam that he wasn't sure if he nailed but regardless of how he did, he was just happy it was over.

As he exited his classroom, he walked down the corridors of NYADA and felt all of the tension in his shoulders melt away

He originally had plans to just go home, take a nap and watch a movie – his normal routine after a long day – but today was different. He was invited to go out for dinner with a small group of friends he had met this semester. Kurt smiled to himself as he thought of his new friends and how far he had come in the past few months.

Not too long ago, all of his friends from McKinley left New York, and he had called off his engagement with Blaine. He knew that the breakup was his decision but it was still very difficult for him to adjust to not having someone there all the time. That, plus his friends leaving, made him feel really lonely and isolated for a while. Getting through the first few weeks had been really tough but he just focused on his schoolwork, joined more clubs, and kept himself busy. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he was actually really proud of himself for getting through everything.

There was a spring in his step as he turned a corner and took a right turn down one of the lesser-used hallways. He made his way to the bathroom at the end of the hall and sighed in contentment when he entered it. This bathroom had the best lighting and mirrors on campus so of course, he had to use it to fix his hair before dinner.

When he got the mirror, he took out his hairspray and was humming to himself as he combed his fingers through his hair. He was just thinking about the amazing salad he was going to have at the dinner place when he heard sounds from one of the closed stalls. There was a loud set of coughs and retching sounds from the stall. It sounded like someone was puking. He scrunched up his nose and mouth in disgust as he glared at the stall and contemplated leaving. When he looked back at the mirror, he realized his hair was almost done so he figured he should just finish it off. As he fixed the front of his coiffed hair with his fingers, he wondered if the person in the stall had some illness that he could get.

_Was there some bad chicken or something at the cafeteria?_

He hoped there wasn't some flu going around because, with all the shared changing rooms at NYADA, things usually spread really quickly. He was pulled out of his thoughts by more loud coughs and some shuffling sounds from the stall. As Kurt looked at the stall, he heard a loud ' _thump'_ that sounded like someone fell in the stall. Kurt jumped and felt a tinge of concern for the person. He wasn't sure if it was the 'mother hen' in him but he was tempted to ask if the person was ok.

_Was it normal to ask people questions though a bathroom stall?_

He ran his hands through his hair and pulled on the ends but he wasn't concentrating on what he was doing. He felt too conflicted.

_Should I ask the person if they need something or should I just leave?_

Suppose he asked and the person said yes, and pass something to this sick person. He couldn't afford to get sick right now and he didn't want to interact with someone who had just puked. On the other hand, if the person has passed out or hit their head, they could be really sick.

He pictured the headline now, " **NYADA student dies in bathroom stall from head injury"** or " **NYADA student Kurt Hummel witnessed tragic death but doesn't help."**

He chuckled to himself at the fact that he even thought of such a thing happening but he knew he would be thinking about it for the rest of the day if he didn't do something. He certainly didn't want this on his conscience so he decided it was probably better that he just asked. Maybe if he ended up helping the guy, he could save a life and be a hero.

That thought made him smile.

Kurt cleared his throat, put away his hair spray, and then knocked lightly on the stall door

"Hello?"

No response.

He heard some movement and when he listened closer, he heard heavy breathing. It sounded really familiar actually like maybe it was one of his friends or someone in his class. This made him a little more concerned.

_What if this is my friend or classmate that's really sick or hurt?_

He knocked again and this time he spoke louder.

"Hey! Are you ok?" he shouted.

No response.

"Do you need something ?" he continued

He heard more fumbling and heavy breathing but that was it. He waited a more few seconds and then sighed.

 _Well at least I tried,_ he thought to himself. _The person hasn't passed out so they could probably take care of themselves._ Plus, he could go to dinner knowing that he didn't regret anything. He took one last look at himself in the mirror, fixed one last strand of hair and then turned to leave. He didn't know why he was disappointed that he didn't get to help the person. Maybe he liked helping people more than he thought.

He was about to exit the bathroom when the person finally replied.

"Kurt?" the person said. The voice wasn't very loud and it was strangled but it made Kurt stop dead in his tracks.

He felt a chill run down his spine. He could recognize that voice anywhere, even as a whisper, he knew it without a doubt.

" _BLAINE_ " his mind screamed, _"IT'S BLAINE!"_

He felt his heartbeat quicken as realization dawned on him. He knew he didn't have to ask but the words spilled out of his mouth anyway.

"Blaine?" he called desperately as he ran to the stall. He put his ear to the stall and spoke.

"Blaine, is that you?"

"Yes" The voice replied softly, and that was all he needed.

Kurt felt the urge to kick in the door to see Blaine and make sure he was okay but he stopped himself and settled for talking to him instead. He listened to the loud breaths coming from the other side of the stall door, and it was like alarm bells were going off in his mind. Blaine was the one that had been throwing up, coughing and hyperventilating. Blaine was the one who potentially fell down in the stall and called out to him with a weak voice. Kurt also knew that Blaine never asked for help unless he really _really_ needed it. This made Kurt feel very nervous and an overwhelming sense of fear engulfed him.

 _What was wrong with Blaine?_ _Was he sick?_ _Was he injured?_ _How long had he been in there?_ Kurt needed to know.

"Can I come in?" Kurt asked

No response.

"Blaine, can you open the door?" he said louder.

He heard some tapping and scratching on the door that sounded like he was trying to open it.

"Can't" he heard him say. His voice sounded dejected.

Kurt felt a lump form in his throat and he took a big gulp. _Why couldn't he open the door?_ _Why was his voice so weak?_ It sounded like it took all the effort he had to say those few words. That combined with his uneven breathing and the one-word responses was not a good sign. Kurt had to get in there, NOW.

Kurt looked down at the space between the floor and the bottom of the stall door. It was a small space but he could crawl under if he wanted too. He thought of all the germs and dirt that would be on the bathroom floor and how wrinkled his shirt would be after but there really wasn't another option.

"I'm gonna come in from the bottom of the door. Is that ok, Blaine?"

"Okay" Blaine timidly replied.

Kurt took a deep breath and kneeled down before crawling under the bathroom door. He tried really hard not to let his face touch the ground and when he finally got through he collided with Blaine's outstretched legs on the floor. He looked up and his eyes met with half-open, unfocused hazel eyes that belonged to his ex-fiancé. Blaine's lips were slightly parted and his nose was flaring every time he took a huffed, quick breath. His hair was a mess of gel and sweat with tiny curls creeping onto his face and his bow tie was hanging loosely around his neck. He was leaning back against the side of the stall with his right hand gripping the floor and his left hand wrapped tightly around his stomach. Kurt hadn't seen him in a long time but he could tell that something was very wrong. He placed a hand on Blane's forehead to check his temperature but immediately moved his hand away. It was like a furnace.

"Blaine, you're burning up, what happened?"

Blaine was looking at the wall next to Kurt and didn't seem to hear him.

"Blaine!" Kurt shouted

This got his attention and he looked at Kurt again. His eyes were glassy but it looked like he was trying to focus on what Kurt was saying.

"What?" He asked softly. Kurt softened his urgent tone and tried to speak to him in a soothing manner.

"What happened, Blaine? Are you sick?" He asked slowly and clearly.

Blaine furrowed his brow and seemed to have a hard time concentrating.

"Do you have the flu? What's wrong?" Kurt continued.

Blaine looked around the stall and then back at Kurt.

"I don't - I don't know," he said quietly.

Kurt felt a stab of fear in his chest. He had never seen Blaine this spaced out before, and it was scaring him. From what Kurt remembered, they had both had the flu before but it was never like this. _What else could it be?_

"Blaine, how long have you been in here?" He asked.

Blaine was looking at him but he was blinking slowly and seemed to have trouble keeping his eyes open. It didn't seem like he was going to answer anytime soon and Kurt was getting more and more anxious by the minute. He kept having the urge to do something but he didn't know what to do.

He finally decided to cup Blaine's face and neck in his hands and practically force him to focus.

"Blaine, look at me can you hear me?" Kurt was trying to sound calm but he couldn't help the desperation and fear in his voice.

Blaine looked at him, dead in the eyes for a second and then slowly whispered.

"Kurt?" Blaine sounded so tired and defeated that Kurt felt sick to his stomach.

The small hint of unsurety in Blaine's voice scared Kurt more than anything. _Did Blaine not recognize him or was he just surprised that he was there?_ Kurt cleared his throat so his voice wouldn't give away the concern rising in his throat.

"Yea, it's me, Blaine. Now can you tell me how long you've been here?" he asked, searching for a sign in Blaine's eyes.

Blaine just stared at him blankly with half-opened eyes. He looked to his left as though he was going to find the answer on the bathroom walls.

Kurt had to take a deep breath to stop himself from freaking out and panicking; he wanted to scream and cry at the same time. His mind started working in overdrive trying to figure out what was wrong with Blaine.

 _Blaine maybe has a fever, he was vomiting, and he couldn't focus. He couldn't open the door, almost fell and was pale,_ he calculated. _What did that mean?_

Kurt suddenly felt pressure on his hand and he realized that he was still holding Blaine's face. Blaine's head was heavily leaning on Kurt's hand and his eyes were closed. Kurt didn't want to wake him but he knew that passing out was not going to help.

"Blaine," he said softly as he nudged the sleeping boy's face with his hand.

There was no response.

Kurt didn't know how much longer he could keep himself together. The more time that passed, the more frustrated he got and he couldn't stop himself anymore.

"Blaine!" He shouted loudly.

Blaine was startled and quickly perked his head up while gripping the floor with his hands. He looked around and blinked rapidly as though he just woke up from a long nap. Kurt felt bad.

"Sorry" He muttered and Blaine looked up at him with a perplexed expression.

Kurt waited a few seconds for Blaine to wake up fully before he asked him a question again.

"Blaine, concentrate please, I need you to tell me exactly how you're feeling"

Blaine shifted his position, looked around and seemed more aware now. He looked straight at Kurt with a hint of guilt in his eyes. He pursed his lips and it seemed like he was trying to decide what to say.

"Don't sugar coat it Blaine, you know I can tell when you're lying"

Blaine sighed.

"I'm tired and my stomach hurts," he said as he rubbed his stomach. He looked up at Kurt earnestly but Kurt wasn't sure if that was all he was feeling. Blaine's voice was still weak and softer than usual while his breathing was still heavy.

"Can you stand?" Kurt asked. He already knew the answer but he wanted to see if Blaine would admit it.

"Yes," he said without hesitation. Kurt raised his eyebrow in disbelief and leaned back to see this disaster unfold.

Blaine brought his outstretched legs in and tried to ease himself up with his hands. His arms started trembling and his face was contorted in pain as he took a few deep breaths. He tried twice before giving up and returning to his slouching position on the floor. He looked up at Kurt's face and couldn't help but smirk as Kurt's facial expression screamed: _"I told you so."_

Kurt shook his head and sighed.

"Blaine, I'm gonna call an ambulance, ok? I don't know what's wrong with you and I can't take you to a doctor if you can't stand."

Kurt reached for his phone in his pocket.

"No, don't!" Blaine shouted as he grabbed Kurt's arm and knocked the phone out. Kurt was surprised at his sudden strength and he glared at Blaine in disbelief.

"Blaine you're really sick, you need a doctor." He insisted.

Blaine looked at Kurt pleadingly, with fear in his eyes.

Kurt hated Blaine's puppy dog eyes; they had made him do way too many things against his will in the past. He sighed and put his hands on Blaine's shoulders while rubbing little circles. Blaine's eyes followed Kurt's hands, and then he looked back at him.

"Blaine, you have to trust me, you're gonna be fine. They're just going to make you feel better and there's nothing to be scared of."

Blaine blinked a few times and nodded. He seemed to be thinking about it but his expression suddenly changed to one of discomfort and he scrunched his eyes shut. His hand flew up to his mouth as he lurched forward, looking like he was about to hurl. Kurt was caught off guard but he quickly moved to the side as Blaine climbed to his knees and barely reached the toilet in time. Kurt rubbed Blaine's back as he puked saliva a couple of times and then dry heaved for a few minutes. He was trembling as loud coughs wracked his body. When he was done, his head drooped forward and his hands started slipping from the toilet seat while his body fell back.

"Hey, hey!" Kurt called loudly as he grabbed Blaine's shoulders and held him up so he was facing him.

Blaine perked up slightly but he was breathing in short gasps and his eyes were barely open.

"K-Kurt" he whispered, his voice laced with fear.

"I'm here, I got you" Kurt whispered back. He felt Blaine's body tip forward again and he tightened his grip on Blaine's shoulders while Blaine grabbed at the collar of Kurt's shirt and shoulder to steady himself. Kurt felt a shiver run down his back when Blaine's ice-cold hands touched his skin.

"I got you, don't worry" Kurt cooed softly as he gently lowered Blaine's body so that he was leaning on Kurt's chest.

Blaine started to shiver violently so Kurt rubbed his back and arms to try and keep him warm. 

"M' c-cold" Blaine choked out between breaths.

"I know, it's ok...shh" Kurt tried to sound reassuring but he felt his stomach twist into knots of concern and fear.

Blaine curled his body inward and snuggled into Kurt's chest while Kurt instinctively wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in closer. Kurt couldn't help but marvel at the familiarity of this position and the ease with which their bodies moved to accommodate each other. Having Blaine so close to him after being apart for so long felt oddly reassuring but he didn't like the circumstances that led to this.

"I'm calling the ambulance, ok? You look like hell." Kurt said matter of factly.

Blaine nodded and Kurt reached for his phone that had fallen earlier. He didn't want to move too much because he was holding most of Blaine's weight but his phone was at the end of the stall so he had to awkwardly bend his arm to reach it. After a few tries, he finally grabbed it and dialled 911.

As the phone kept ringing, Kurt looked down and noticed that Blaine's eyes were fully closed.

"Blaine, wake up, you know you can't sleep."

He was still shivering slightly but he didn't open his eyes.

"Blaine," he said loudly as he tapped Blaine's back lightly.

Still no response.

Suddenly Blaine's laboured breathing stopped and his body went very still. His hand fell limply from Kurt's shirt and he felt heavier than before.

"No no no, Blaine!" Kurt shouted fearfully while nudging him. "Come on, wake up!"

Blaine wasn't stirring.

A surge of panic shot through Kurt's body and he felt his own breathing quicken as he thought of a million things that could have gone wrong. He couldn't tell if Blaine was breathing or not and he didn't know how to check.

"Blaine, please wake up, please!" he shouted as he shook Blaine's shoulders.

Blaine didn't even flinch.

"Shit, shit!" Kurt said as he continued to shake the younger boy to no vail. Kurt felt his eyes fill with tears and he hugged Blaine's body tighter.

"911, what's your emergency ?" The 911 operator finally responded.

"Hi um m-my boyfriend just passed out and he's really sick! We n-need help!" Kurt shouted, panicking.

"Ok sir, I need your address"

"I'm at the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts in the b-bathroom behind the blue corridor"

"We'll send an ambulance over right away. Can you describe his symptoms?"

"Um yea"

Kurt described Blaine's symptoms and their interactions in the stall as best he could but he got choked up towards the end and couldn't finish.

"Sir, it's important that you remain calm. The ambulance is on the way and your boyfriend is going to be taken care of."

"Okay," Kurt was still panicked and didn't feel reassured at all. He sniffled and wiped his eyes as he realized he was fully crying now.

"What's your name?" the operator asked.

"Kurt," he said tearfully.

"Ok Kurt, can you think of anything else that we might need to know? For instance, does your boyfriend have any underlying conditions?"

"No, no conditions"

"Is he on any medications that might have caused this ?"

"No, I don-don't think so"

Kurt wished he knew for sure.

"Do you know how much he had to eat or drink today ?"

Kurt felt a pang of guilt.

"Um no, I - I didn't see him"

"Has this happened before ?"

Kurt felt numb. He didn't know.

For the first time in a long time, he had no idea what was happening in Blaine's life. Kurt had spent the last few minutes feeling so helpless and now, the one time he could actually help, he didn't know what to say.

"I don't think so" he finally replied

"Ok, that's alright Kurt. Let me know if you think of any other information that might help us"

Kurt felt embarrassed. Clearly, he wasn't Blaine's boyfriend anymore if he didn't know basic things about his life. _Why did I even say "boyfriend"? I haven't talked to Blaine in months._

"Are you still there, Kurt ?" The operator asked

"Yes, I'm here"

"The ambulance is almost there but I need you to do me a favour."

"Okay"

"You mentioned earlier that the patient was breathing heavily, can you check on his breathing now ?"

"How do I do that?"

"You need to lay him on a flat surface and place him on his side."

Kurt sighed. He didn't want to let go of the tight grip he had on Blaine but he knew he had to. He opened the bathroom stall and did what the nurse said. She continued to describe how to put Blaine in a recovery position on the floor and when she was done, Kurt heard a small gasp escape from Blaine's lips.

"Blaine?" He shouted

There was no response but he told the nurse what happened and she said the gasp was a good thing.

"You're doing a great job Kurt, thank you"

Kurt sniffled and nodded but he didn't feel any better. He just kept staring at Blaine's prone form on the floor and his heart ached.

Finally, paramedics burst through the door and told Kurt to move aside as they got to work. Kurt was in a daze as he heard a flurry of words being shouted while things were being passed around Blaine. He saw an oxygen mask, a stretcher, wires, and machines. Kurt took a breathe and tried to wrap his head around what was happening. _How did I get here?_ he thought. He was was supposed to be going out to dinner with his friends and now Blaine was unconscious on the floor with paramedics around him. Kurt felt like he was floating in a sea of confusion until someone tapped on his shoulder and brought him out of it.

"Kurt, right?" He heard a paramedic say.

He nodded.

"We're ready to go, are you coming?"

He nodded again and felt unsteady as he stood up and followed closely behind the paramedics. He didn't know how much time had passed since he first found Blaine but however long it was, it felt like a blur. The only thing he could focus on right now was Blaine's face. Kurt stared at him next to the medical staff, through the crowd of confused NYADA students, throughout the ambulance ride, and at the hospital. He couldn't take his eyes off of him. It felt like there was an invisible tether tying Blaine's body to his and it was pulling him to stay close to Blaine, no matter what.

The last hour had been a whirlwind of confusion and concern but though it all, Kurt had realized something very important:

_He was still in love with Blaine._

When Blaine passed out and he wasn't waking up, even if it was for a minute, Kurt felt like his world was crumbling in front of him. He had never felt that type of fear before and he didn't think anyone else could make him feel like that. Kurt knew now, more than ever, that Blaine was the most important thing in his life, and he was ashamed that he had spent so much time thinking he wasn't.


	2. No Way to Know

Kurt's hair was a mess.

The perfect style he had worked on earlier was long gone and fixing it was the least of his worries right now.

It had been two hours and 10 minutes since Blaine was admitted into the ER and for one hour and 50 minutes, Kurt had been sitting in a very uncomfortable plastic chair by his bedside. He had run his hands through his hair more times than he could count and he was pretty sure he had fidgeted with everything in the room at least twice. The longer it took for Blaine to wake up, the more impatient and worried Kurt got and the more his thoughts spiralled. He kept thinking about what he was going to say to Blaine when he woke up or what Blaine would say to him.

_Would he be happy to see me? Would he be mad? Would he remember everything that happened?_

Kurt glanced at his watch again and tried to think about something else, but he couldn't.

_The doctor said that Blaine should be awake by now, so why isn't he?_ _Was he sicker than they thought?_ _Was he ever going to wake up?_

Kurt shook his head as he tried to clear all the negative thoughts. He took a deep breath for probably the millionth time this evening and decided that the had to think rationally. The doctor said it herself; Blaine's condition wasn't that serious. Kurt had never heard the term "severe dehydration" before but it sounded serious to him.

She had asked Kurt a few questions about Blaine's daily routine and what he might have been doing before he passed out. Kurt tried his best to answer based on Blaine's past tendencies and their exam schedule, and she made her diagnosis. She explained that since Blaine wasn't medically ill, it was probably stress-induced vomiting, a lack of water, and maybe strenuous activity such as dance exams that would have caused it. She said that since it was severe, he probably hadn't eaten or drunk water properly for a few days and he had probably puked a lot in the last 24 hours. The best cure for dehydration was just IV fluids and lots of rest so Blaine was on the right track. She assured Kurt that Blaine would be completely fine in a few hours but she did warn him that it could have been worse and that Blaine should be more careful next time.

As soon as she left the room, Kurt proceeded to google the hell out of the terms she mentioned. Everything made so much more sense when he saw that symptoms of dehydration included disorientation, tiredness, rapid breathing, confusion and fainting. When he read on, however, he learned that severe dehydration could also cause organ failure, seizures and brain damage. Kurt felt his heart stop and he understood why the doctor said to be careful.

It scared him to think of how much worse things could have been but with that fear came a tinge of anger. He knew he shouldn't feel like that but he couldn't help but focus on the fact that Blaine had done this to himself. He knew Blaine had the tendency to skip meals, or sometimes he felt nauseous when he was stressed but he had never let things get so bad that he ended up in the hospital. _How could Blaine have let this happen?_

Kurt wished he could just shout at him for not taking care of himself but when he looked at Blaine's face, he just couldn't be angry. The worry lines etched into Blaine's brow and the dark circles under his eyes, just made Kurt feel immense guilt.

_I should have been there for him,_ he thought. _I should have known what Blaine was going through and I should have helped earlier._

Knowing everything about Blaine's life and making sure he was okay used to be such a priority for Kurt and now he didn't even know when he was struggling. He should have remembered that exam season was tough for Blaine and that he needed someone to remind him to eat and sleep properly. He should have asked him how he was doing at least once. _Why didn't I?_

_What if I hadn't gone into the bathroom today?_

_Would anyone have found Blaine? Would he still be lying on the cold floor, unconscious? Would he have called someone? Did he have someone to call?_

Kurt stared at Blaine's sleeping form again and sighed. Blaine's skin was pale, his hair was a mess and he looked so small in that hospital bed with all the wires and IV around him. Kurt wanted to give him a hug and hold him like he did before but he knew he couldn't. They were broken up and he didn't know what Blaine would or wouldn't want him to do at this point.

As he contemplated giving Blaine's hand a little squeeze, he noticed that Blaine's fingers started to twitch and grab at his bedsheets. Kurt's eyes went wide as he looked up at Blaine's face and saw his head turn to the side as a soft groan escaped from his lips.

"Blaine?" Kurt asked loudly. He couldn't help himself and he put a hand on Blaine's shoulder and rubbed it lightly.

"Blaine, can you hear me?" He asked a little loudly while he leaned in closer.

Blaine's eyes fluttered open but he quickly scrunched them shut and started rubbing them with his hands. When he finally opened his eyes, he blinked rapidly and glanced around the room in confusion. His eyes finally landed on Kurt and he sat up slightly.

"Kurt?" He asked, tiredly.

Kurt gave Blaine a small smile and replied, "Yup, it's me."

Kurt hoped this was the last time he had to tell Blaine that he was, in fact, himself. Blaine's eyes darted around the room and he noticed the bed and the IV in his arm. He then looked back at Kurt and seemed extremely shocked.

"What are you... uh..what happened?" He asked, his voice hoarse and quiet.

"Um..what's the last thing you remember?" Kurt tentatively asked.

Blaine looked at Kurt inquisitively, then shifted his focus and stared intently at the wall in front of him. Kurt could see the wheels turning in his mind as he furrowed his brow in concentration

"I was at NYADA and...I was doing a dance thing and...I think I was si-" He was cut off by a nasty set of dry coughs that erupted from his throat. He grimaced and cleared his throat before starting again.

"Um...I went to the bathroom and I -" Another fit of heavy coughs wracked his body. This time it didn't stop and he clutched his bedsheets tightly while squeezing his eyes shut. During a brief pause, he lay back down and turned to his side before continuing to cough violently.

Kurt felt like someone was stabbing him in the heart after each cough and he had to bite his lip to stop himself from screaming.

When Blaine finally stopped, he was breathing heavily through his nose and he had wrapped his arms around his stomach as he curled his body inward.

Kurt hated seeing Blaine like that. He hated this whole situation but at least he knew how to help this time. He quickly grabbed a glass of water from the side table and held it near Blaine's face.

"Blaine, you need to drink this."

Blaine just burrowed his head deeper into the pillows of his bed and didn't seem to be listening. Kurt put a hand on Blaine's cheek and brushed a few curls off his forehead. He leaned in closer and spoke softly.

"Blaine, honey you need to drink some water, it's going to help you, ok?"

Blaine slowly opened his eyes and looked up at Kurt wearily. He stared at the glass of water for a couple of seconds.

"Just one sip, Blaine. Please?" Blaine looked at Kurt and then back at the glass of water.

"No" he croaked out and closed his eyes again. He turned his head into the pillows so that Kurt couldn't see his face anymore.

Kurt felt a little frustrated and a flash of anger crossed his mind but he knew he couldn't be angry at Blaine right now. He decided that Blaine was probably still disoriented and didn't understand what he was saying. Kurt tried to choose his next words carefully.

"Blaine, you're dehydrated. The doctor said that if you don't drink water you'll get sicker and it's going to hurt more. Do you understand?" He spoke slowly and clearly, but he was pretty sure the frustration he felt was evident in his voice.

Blaine slowly turned his head and looked up at Kurt. His eyes were red and puffy while his lip quivered like he was about the cry.

Kurt felt every ounce of anger leave his body.

"I can't" Blaine whispered, his voice breaking.

Kurt felt a mixture of concern and confusion rising in his throat.

"Why not, Blaine? Water is good for you." Kurt didn't mean to sound insistent but he needed to know there was a valid reason why Blaine was doing this to himself.

"It hurts" Blaine chocked out, his voice betraying his obvious attempts to hide his emotions.

Kurt felt his chest tighten and the now familiar feeling of intense fear from this evening returned.

"What do you mean? What hurts?"

Blaine gulped back tears so he could speak but this seemed to cause him pain and he grimaced as he closed his eyes tightly. Kurt felt pangs of worry shoot through his body. He put a hand on Blaine's shoulder and spoke with an urgent tone "Blaine, what hurts?"

Blaine avoided Kurt's gaze and looked down at his hands as he fiddled with the edge of his bedsheet.

"My throat." He sounded gravely and too exhausted to conceal how he was feeling anymore.

Kurt felt a lightbulb go off in his head and everything Blaine had done finally made sense.

"Your throat hurts when you drink water?" Kurt hoped he was wrong.

Blaine nodded and a tear ran down his face. He curled in on himself some more and squeezed his stomach tighter in his arms.

"Blaine, does your stomach hurt too?"

Blaine nodded as another tear escaped from his eye but he wiped it away quickly.

Kurt was at a loss for words. _Why didn't he say anything?_ Blaine was clearly in a lot of pain if he couldn't even swallow without grimacing, but of course, he didn't think to tell someone. Kurt knew that Blaine had a tendency to ignore his personal problems until they reached a breaking point but he wished he could understand why Blaine would risk his own health like this.

Blaine seemed to be ashamed as he turned his head back under the pillows and Kurt heard small, muffled cries escape into the air. Kurt wanted to tell the doctor what he just learnt but he felt compelled to stay close to Blaine. Try as he might, he couldn't bring himself to leave when the love of his life was crying in front of him.

Blaine shook slightly as the sobs overtook his body and the sound of muffled coughs escaped from under the pillow.

Kurt couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't just stand there and watch. He put his hands on Blaine's shoulders and rubbed slightly as he leaned in and whispered.

"Blaine, can I hold you, please?" He sounded so desperate that he didn't recognize his own voice.

Blaine sniffled a few times and peeked his head out from under the pillow. He looked at Kurt with bloodshot eyes and Kurt gave him a look that he hoped conveyed _"I love you, please let me help."_ Blaine seemed to get it and he moved over in the bed so Kurt could fit.

Nothing could have stopped Kurt from climbing into that bed and wrapping Blaine in a suffocating hug. Kurt could feel Blaine's shoulders tense as he blinked back a few tears and continued to sniffle.

"It's ok B, you can let it out." Blaine was still hesitant to hug him back and Kurt hoped he hadn't overstepped.

"Blaine, it's just me...you know you don't have to hide."

Kurt adjusted his grip and held Blaine tighter as Blaine sighed and finally seemed to relax into the hug. Kurt was relieved that Blaine finally seemed comfortable but his relief was short-lived as he noticed that Blaine felt different. He felt smaller and thinner than Kurt remembered and Kurt gulped as he tried to swallow the concern rising in his throat. He knew he had to tell the doctor this too but right now Blaine was sniffling in his arms and he had to focus on comforting him as best as he could.

"You're ok, I got you," Kurt whispered into Blaine's neck. Kurt rubbed Blaine's back and ran his fingers through Blaine's hair as Blaine nuzzled his head in the crook of Kurt's shoulder. Blaine finally let down his guard and silent sobs escaped from his chest as he held onto Kurt tighter.

"Shhh, it's ok, it's all gonna be fine" Kurt whispered. Blaine nodded and burrowed deeper into Kurt's embrace as Kurt felt a few stray tears dampen his own shirt.

"I'm gonna talk to the doctor and I'm gonna help you get better, ok?"

Blaine nodded. He hiccuped and took a few hitched breathes as he tried to calm himself.

Kurt continued to reassure him and Blaine continued to sniffle less and less until his breathing returned to normal.

A few seconds after he stopped sniffling, Blaine let out a sleepy sigh of contentment and Kurt felt like he could finally let go of the tension he was holding in. Kurt echoed Blaine's sigh of relief as he let himself relax for the first time since he arrived at the hospital. He melted into Blaine's warm embrace and realized that he probably needed the hug more than Blaine at this point.

They stayed intertwined in each other's arms for a few minutes before Kurt decided he had to talk to the doctor. He loosened his grip on Blaine and turned so he was lying on his back and Blaine was lying on his chest. Blaine continued to clutch Kurt's torso with the ferocity of a small animal and he burrowed his head into Kurt's arm.

"Blaine, I need to go call the doctor, I want to tell her what you said"

"No..stay" Blaine pleaded, his voice now heavy with sleep and muffled by Kurt's shirt.

Kurt smiled to himself. He wished they could stay like this forever.

Kurt ran his hand through Blaine's matted hair and moved a few strands before he planted a small kiss on his forehead. Blaine mumbled something incoherent as he seemed to be drifting in and out of sleep. Kurt figured he was probably exhausted from all the crying and he seized the opportunity to leave.

Kurt carefully uncurled Blaine's fingers from their tight grip on his shirt and he slowly lifted Blaine's arms and body off of him. Blaine mumbled something that sounded like a protest and Kurt couldn't help but giggle at his sleepy, pouty face.

As he got off the bed and looked down at Blaine's finally calm, sleeping form, Kurt had the urge to just climb back into bed and never leave. Time seemed to stand still as he was stuck in a trance, just staring at Blaine and regretting all the days he spent apart from this beautiful man in front of him. He only snapped out of it when he noticed the IV in Blaine's arm and his all too pale face. Kurt remembered why they couldn't stay here and he forced himself to focus on what he needed to do.

_We are at a hospital, Blaine's sick and you have to talk to the doctor so that she can help him and you can go home,_ he told himself sternly. He really wanted to go home and he knew Blaine did too.

Kurt strengthened his resolve and got himself out of the hospital room and into the hallway that was farther and farther away from Blaine. As he looked for the doctor in the crowd of medical staff, the reality of what Blaine said hit him and the deep-seated fear he was now used to feeling came back.

_The weight-loss, throat aches, and stomach aches that Blaine had weren't symptoms of dehydration. So what else could it be?_


	3. Ask Anything

Blaine was lying on his stomach and clutching his bedsheets when Kurt walked into the room again. The doctor wanted to talk to Blaine this time so Kurt had to wake him up and hope that he didn't have to explain where they were for the 3rd time tonight.

Kurt walked up to the bed and nudged Blaine a few times while calling his name softly. Luckily, Blaine abandoned his usual confused stares for a groggy "Hey" and a small smile. Kurt returned the smile and rubbed small circles on Blaine's back as he spoke.

"Um, Blaine, the doctor wants to ask you a few questions. Do you think you can sit up?"

Blaine's eyes widened and he looked around the room till his eyes landed on the doctor standing at the foot of his bed. He blinked rapidly and turned so he was lying on his back and facing the doctor. Kurt adjusted Blaine's pillows as Blaine moved to sit up.

"Um, hi..sorry" Blaine spoke softly as he smiled awkwardly.

"No problem, Mr. Anderson, it's nice to finally speak to you."

Blaine nodded in acknowledgement and replied.

"You too... and you can call me Blaine."

"Ok! Blaine it is." She smiled at him and he smiled back. The doctor then looked at Kurt before speaking again.

"Your boyfriend over here has been very helpful in telling us everything we needed to know about your treatment, but I just thought I'd check in with you and see if you had any questions before you were released." The doctor smiled at Kurt and was surprised to see the look of alarm on his face, and the look of confusion on Blaine's.

_Shit_ , Kurt thought as he mentally cursed his panicked self from 3 hours ago. _Why did I forget to correct her?_

Blaine furrowed his brow and glanced at Kurt who had turned beat red and was avoiding his gaze. Blaine opened his mouth to say something but then decided against it as he wasn't sure what to say.

"Is there anything you wanted to discuss before I talk about your treatment, Blaine?" The doctor glanced between the two of them and wondered why there seemed to be tension in the room.

Blaine thought for a second before replying.

"Um, yea can you tell me exactly what happened?" He realized that he was still unclear on a lot of details.

"Of course. As you may know, you were unconscious when you came in and we did a skin turgor test and took your vitals to determine that you were severely dehydrated. As per normal treatment protocol, you were given IV fluids and your vitals were monitored until they were within the normal range. I discussed your eating habits with Kurt here and he mentioned that you have skipped meals when you were stressed in the past. This information, plus his description of your vomiting episode, helped with the diagnosis."

The doctor paused for a beat so that Blaine could process everything and ask questions.

"Oh, okay. Is um.. is severe dehydration serious?"

"Well, dehydration affects each person in different ways but yes, it can be potentially life-threatening if it is not treated in time. Your vitals are all back to normal so you don't have anything to worry about but if you hadn't come in today, or rather if Kurt hadn't brought you in, things could have been worse."

Blaine nodded solemnly and glanced at Kurt. He felt guilty for putting Kurt through that and for causing all this fuss over him for something he could have prevented. He also felt strong feelings of gratitude and debt as he realized that Kurt basically saved his life. Blaine wished he knew how to express how thankful he was.

Kurt didn't notice Blaine looking at him as he was staring out the window in an attempt to avoid looking at the doctor or Blaine. Her words made him re-live what had happened in the bathroom stall and he was brimming with emotions. He was trying to hold in his anger, fear and all the things he wanted to say to Blaine that he couldn't say right now.

The doctor continued speaking to Blaine.

"I'm not trying to scare you Blaine, but I did want to mention that since dehydration is usually easily recognisable and treatable with electrolytes and water, it takes unusual circumstances for it to get to the level that yours was today. I cannot stress enough the importance of drinking water, eating properly and recognising the early signs of dehydration before they become debilitating. Do you understand?"

Blaine now felt even more guilty and embarrassed. He nodded quickly while replying to the doctor assertively.

"Yes, of course, yes"

"Good." She smiled and pulled out Blaine's chart from next to the bed.

"Now..do you mind if I ask you a few follow-up questions?"

"Uhh, no, I don't mind"

"Okay" She scanned the chart for a few seconds before speaking again.

"Do you have a history of any eating disorders?"

"No"

"Do you or does anyone in your family have diabetes?"

"No"

"Any history of low blood pressure, heart disease or breathing difficulties?"

"No"

"Ok, good" She jotted down something before looking back at Blaine

"Have you been diagnosed with any mental illnesses such as anxiety or depression?"

"Uhm..no"

"Are you currently on any medications?"

"Not n-no. No medications."

"Ok, good." She continued to write on the file.

The doctor didn't seem to notice Blaine's slight hesitation and the look of guilt on his face when he answered the last two questions. Kurt, however, did notice and he glared at Blaine while making a mental note to talk to him about it when they got home.

"So the general consensus is that you were extremely stressed about school work and you skipped meals and didn't drink water. Is that correct?"

Blaine nodded.

"And you didn't have a stomach bug or any flu-like symptoms that may have caused the vomiting, right?"

Blaine shook his head. He already felt guilty for even being here and making her waste her time on him, so he didn't want to waste more time by talking too much. He was also afraid he would start coughing if he talked too much.

"Now, Kurt mentioned that you have been having sore throats and stomach aches recently. Is that another reason you haven't been eating properly?"

Blaine was shocked and he glanced at Kurt with wide eyes. He didn't remember confessing that but Kurt seemed to be nodding at the doctor as though they had come up with some secret plan and she was executing it for him.

That was exactly what had happened as Kurt had told her that if she didn't ask, Blaine wouldn't say anything.

"We are just trying to get to the root of the problem here, Blaine. I'm sure there is a simple solution if you just explain what you are feeling." The doctor quipped.

Blaine was conflicted on what to do but when he looked at Kurt's pursed lips and his eyes that seems to be shooting daggers at him, he felt compelled to answer truthfully.

"My uhh.. my throat hurts when I swallow anything and my stomach hurts when I eat or when I don't eat. I.. uh.. I can't really tell when it starts but I thought that not eating might help but then I just felt more si-" Blaine coughed a few times before he croaked out "more sick."

Blaine reflexively swallowed and regretted it as he couldn't hide his discomfort. Kurt felt bad for getting angry at him now and the doctor looked at Blaine sympathetically.

"That's a nasty cough you have there. I'll get to those symptoms in a minute but right now I think you need to drink some water." She looked at Kurt and Kurt reached for the same untouched glass of water from before.

Blaine looked at the glass like it was a vile creature that he couldn't get too close to.

"You're gonna have to drink it at some point Blaine, and you're going to have to eat too." The doctor instructed.

Blaine looked at her with a horrified expression as though that thought hadn't crossed his mind before. Kurt's heart ached for him but he knew that Blaine was only going to get better with tough love.

"Blaine, if you don't start drinking water, they can't stop the IV and you're going to be stuck here forever."

"He's right" The doctor chimed in.

"Don't you want to go home at some point?" Kurt continued.

Blaine looked at the IV in his arm and itched a spot near it before he looked back at Kurt and the doctor.

"Okay," he said reluctantly

"Great!" the doctor said.

Kurt was taken aback by the fact that he agreed so quickly but he eagerly held the glass closer to Blaine. Blaine looked at the glass and then back at the doctor.

"I'm scared I'm gonna throw up," he said slowly.

"Are you nauseous right now?"

"No, but last time I was throwing up, water made it worse"

"Ok, we can give you something for the pain and nausea but it will take a few minutes to kick in. Would you want that?"

Blaine nodded eagerly.

The doctor called for a nurse and she injected something into Blaine's IV port. The nurse mentioned that the medications might make him feel drowsy and he nodded. After she left, the doctor continued.

"So, based on your symptoms I think you have Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease or more commonly GERD"

Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand and he squeezed back tightly as they looked at each other with the same shocked expressions. Kurt opened his mouth to say something but the doctor continued talking.

"It's really nothing to worry about, it basically means that you've had prolonged acid reflux due to stress. I can explain everything in detail but I want you to know that this is common in patients who are stressed and it's completely curable."

Blaine and Kurt let out echoing sighs of relief and the doctor smiled.

"How does stress cause it?" Kurt said

"We don't know for sure if there is a direct link but an easy way to think of it is like this. Your stomach produces acid to digest food and when there is no food to digest, the acid builds up. When you're stressed, your stomach produces more acid from the stress and then the acid for digesting food, plus the acid from stress, is too much for your body to handle. This can be harmful to your stomach lining and can cause pain. When you sleep, the acid trickles from your stomach to your oesophagus or your throat and results in burns or scarring that causes pain. Symptoms also include coughing, nausea, vomiting and worsening of existing symptoms if you don't eat or if you get more stressed. Are you following so far?"

Blaine and Kurt both nodded and Kurt felt Blaine's grip on his hand tighten. Kurt looked at Blaine and he seemed to be shaking slightly and staring at the doctor with his face as white as a sheet. Kurt felt his own stomach flip flop and he had the urge to be closer to Blaine. He sat down on the bed and the movement made Blaine jump before he moved across slightly. Kurt wrapped his free hand around Blaine's shoulders and rubbed his arm lightly as Blaine leaned into the touch, still staring intently at the doctor.

The doctor watched the exchange and wondered if she should leave.

"Do you need some time to process or should I continue?"

Blaine squeezed Kurt's hand while still staring forward and Kurt took that as a yes.

"No, please continue, we want to know."

"Ok, as I mentioned, the acid burning your oesophagus can result in scaring but it can also lead to ulcers or have other complications. Therefore, I'm going to need you to bear with me as I ask you a question that might be a little scary."

Kurt nodded.

"Have you ever seen any blood when you vomit or cough?"

Kurt gasped quietly and looked at Blaine who still seemed to be staring at the front of the room intently. Kurt tightened his grip on Blaine's shoulders and spoke to him softly.

"Blaine, did you hear that?" Blaine turned to face Kurt quickly and then he looked at the doctor again.

"Sorry, what?" He glanced between the doctor and Kurt.

"Blaine, have you ever..uhm.. seen blood when you vomit or cough?"

Blaine looked at Kurt incredulously and quickly shook his head.

"No, no, never." He continued to glance at Kurt and the doctor rapidly. Kurt nodded at him reassuringly and the doctor smiled.

"Good. That's very good, Blaine. Now I just want to do a quick X-ray to make sure that everything is ok with your throat and then I can give you some medication and lifestyle changes that will help with the treatment."

"Lifestyle changes?" Kurt asked

"Yes. They won't be too difficult to follow. Basically, there are foods Blaine should avoid, he should sleep upright to prevent the acid from reaching his throat, and obviously, he needs to manage his stress levels. I would actually recommend seeing a psychiatrist for some coping strategies since the stress seems to be seriously affecting him."

Kurt tensed at that and Blaine seemed unfazed.

"Do you think he really needs a therapist?"

"Well, the medication I give you will heal the scaring and stop your stomach from producing excess acid but if you keep getting stressed, then you will have to be on the medication for the rest of your life. I mean, I know patients that do that and it's completely fine but if you can manage the stress, then you can probably stop the medication sooner. Does that makes sense?"

Kurt and Blaine both nodded.

"Does the medication have any side effects? How long does he have to take it for?" Kurt asked

"Usually there are very minor side effects, if any. Since this medicine is prescribed to patients during stressful times, a patient is usually on for a few months or until the stressful time has passed. It's common for students to take it during exam season but you might want to talk to your GP to discuss the length of time you want to take it. I'm also going to recommend that the pharmacist gives you an extra month's supply so that you can take it again if you ever feel a throat ache or you're stressed in the future. Does that sound alright ?"

"Yes, that's good, thanks" Blaine replied. He seemed to be focused on what the doctor was saying now.

"Okay! Do either of you have any more questions?"

Kurt and Blaine looked at each other and then back at the doctor.

Blaine shook his head and Kurt said "No."

"Great! I'll be right back and we can get that X-ray done."

The doctor left the room and Blaine let out a big sigh of relief. He slumped back into the pillows and seemed to relax his body. His mind, however, seemed to be preoccupied as he stared off into the distance. Kurt moved his hand from under Blaine's shoulders and just griped Blaine's right shoulder with his left hand. Their right hands were still intertwined in each others and Kurt shifted his position slightly so that they were facing each other.

"You okay?" Kurt asked

Blaine looked at him and nodded with a hint of fear and confusion in his eyes. He slowly blinked a few times before looking down at his hands and letting out a massive yawn.

Kurt wanted to talk to him before he slept again so he squeezed Blaine's shoulder to get his attention.

"Blaine, you heard everything the doctor said right? It seems like there is an easy fix if you just take care of yourself and manage your stress better. Nothing to worry about, right?"

Blaine looked up at him, his eyes slightly unfocused and sleepy but he nodded and said, "Yes, yea, it's not too bad."

Kurt smiled.

"Good. I'm glad you're gonna be okay" he said as he rubbed Blaine's arm reassuringly.

Blaine smiled back and suddenly remembered what he was thinking about before. He yawned again before clearing his throat and speaking.

"Kurt, I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much for bringing me to the hospital and for everything you've done to help. I..uh I don't know what I would do if I was here by my-" Blaine coughed a couple of times before finishing with "by myself." He then fixed his gaze on Kurt's face as though it was the only thing keeping him awake.

"Of course, Blaine. You don't have to thank me...but if you really wanted to, you can thank me by drinking some water" Kurt smiled slyly and Blaine was too sleepy to argue.

"Okay," he said softly and Kurt got up from the bed to get the water.

When he came back, Blaine had closed his eyes and was leaning heavily on the pillows. Kurt knew that Blaine was tired because of the medications but it seemed like all Blaine had done for the whole day was sleep. He sighed and nudged Blaine while leaned in closely to speak.

"Blaine, come on, you gotta drink this before you sleep."

Blaine slowly opened his eyes and reached for the glass with a shaky hand. His grip was very weak so Kurt held the glass firmly in place as Blaine took a few sips. Kurt practically had to feed him the water as his eyes were half-closed and he kept blinking rapidly to focus.

"Slowly, slowly" Kurt instructed as Blaine started to gulp down the water without a hint of the hesitation he had before. Kurt mentally thanked the doctor for suggesting the drowsy medication. When he was done drinking, Blaine fell asleep almost instantly and Kurt adjusted his pillows to make sure he was sleeping upright like the doctor suggested.

Kurt took a deep breath and tried to process some of the emotions he was feeling. He felt a little better knowing that whatever was happening with Blaine was easily treatable and that he would be better soon. He just had a hard time believing that the cause of all his pain was just stress. _Stress doesn't make you unconscious, in the hospital and on medication to be able to eat._ _Does it?_ And if it was just stress causing all this, then something was seriously wrong in Blaine's life and it needed to be fixed.

Kurt was pulled out of his thoughts as the doctor came back for the X-ray. She suggested that Kurt stand in the corner of the room so that they could start. Kurt complied and as the doctor and a nurse moved Blaine body around for the X-ray, Kurt noticed Blaine was sleeping with a stillness characteristic of sedation. It wasn't the calm contentment of normal sleep and Kurt couldn't help the small fear that crept into his mind as he remembered the last time Blaine was this still. He had to remind himself that this stillness was from medication that was helping him and not from him being too sick to wake up. For some reason though, it still bothered Kurt to see him this lifeless and unmoving. He wondered when Blaine would be awake and alert enough to leave and he hoped that it would be soon because he couldn't take the waiting anymore.

He missed the old Blaine. He missed him so _damn_ much.

He missed the Blaine that was laughing, singing, dancing, and saying crazy stuff that made him smile and cry, and fall in love. He missed everything about Blaine but he mostly missed loving him and being loved by him. _God, I love him so much._

Kurt just wished he knew what to do about it. If he could, he would take Blaine home right now and make sure he was doing everything he was supposed to get better. He would smother him with kisses and hugs and they would live happily together as if nothing had changed.

But he knew he couldn't. And that wouldn't happen. He didn't even know how Blaine would react if he told him he wanted to be with him again. _Was he still mad from the breakup? Would Blaine even let me take care of him?_

The doctor tapped Kurt on the shoulder and he blinked a few times to focus on what she was saying.

"Kurt, I have the results of the X-ray. I think it's best if I tell you before Blaine wakes up. Is that alright?"

Kurt's felt his heartbeat quicken and his chest tightened as he glanced at Blaine's still form and then back at the doctor's concerned face.

"Yes, please tell me. I think I might go mad if you don't"

The doctor smiled slightly then looked seriously at the chart in her hands.


	4. The City Breaks

The doctor smiled slightly then looked seriously at the chart in her hands.

"So there is some mild scarring in his throat but it doesn't look too bad and it should heal on its own if he takes the medication properly. If he doesn't feel better in a few weeks, then I would go to a doctor and maybe do some more tests."

Kurt nodded while letting out a breath. He tried to squash the concern rising in his chest but something was still nagging at him. _Why did the doctor look so concerned if everything seemed fine?_

"So everything's ok, right?" Kurt asked, hopefully.

She softened her resolve and smiled fully this time.

"Oh Yes! Everything is fine. Sorry if I seemed concerned, there is just something else going on in the hospital."

Kurt nodded, finally understanding her tone. He took another deep breath and let himself feel fully relived. The doctor looked at him, seemingly contemplating something before she spoke again.

"If it's not too much trouble, it would actually be great if you could fill out some forms and get Blaine to sign some papers so that he can be released. I apologize for the urgency, it's just that there was an accident on route 6 and we have a few critical patients coming in soon. Since Blaine is fine, we are just trying to make as many beds as we can available for the rush of patients. I know you had expressed an interest in leaving sooner so that's why I just thought I'd ask."

Kurt's eyes widened at the urgency and seriousness in her voice and he felt a little anxious himself.

"Oh my god! Yes, of course, we can leave right away."

"Thank you so much, Kurt." She turned around and handed him some papers while pointing out where Blaine needed to sign. She also handed Kurt a prescription.

"Just leave the forms on the desk when you're done and make sure you grab Blaine's medication on your way out."

Kurt nodded and thanked her before she left the room. He filled out everything as quickly as he could and frantically grabbed all of his and Blaine's stuff from the room. He had been wanting to leave the hospital all day but right now he felt more nervous than happy. He soon heard ambulance sounds and doctors shouting orders from outside the room. The sounds scared him and he shook Blaine maybe a bit too harshly to wake him up.

"Blaine, BLAINE! We gotta go, wake up!" He shouted over the noise. Kurt nudged him again and Blaine had a look of annoyed confusion on his face while he rubbed his eyes and groggily came to.

"Blaine, we have to go now! Give me your hand, I need you to sign this."

Blaine was even more confused by this request and as he became more aware of his surroundings, he heard screams and sirens from outside.

"Kurt, Wha-what's happening? Is everything ok?"

Kurt didn't reply but Blaine felt him grab his hand and move it across some papers. He blinked a few times and saw that Kurt was holding his hand while signing his name on something.

"Kurt, what's going on? What are you doing?"

Kurt finished what he was doing before Blaine could protest and Blaine saw him put some papers on a desk and look carefully around the room. Kurt grabbed a bag and put it on his shoulder before turning to face Blaine directly. He looked scared but solemn when he spoke

"Sorry, there's no time to explain but something's going on and we have to leave the hospital right now. Can you stand?"

Blaine was shocked but he figured that the screams he heard were what was happening and judging by Kurt's tone, it was serious.

"Umm, yea I think so"

Blaine got up slowly but when he tried to take a step, he felt light headed and his vision blurred for a few seconds. He tried to focus on the floor in front of him but it took a minute for the room to stop spinning. When he could finally see clearly again, he heard Kurt calling his name and felt Kurt's hand around his waist. His own arm had somehow gotten around Kurt's neck and he was leaning heavily on him. He tried to focus on what Kurt was saying but the shouting from outside made it hard to concentrate on anything.

"Blaine, hey, can you hear me?"

He nodded but realized that was a mistake as he felt a dull ache at the back of his head. He squinted and blinked a few times before he could finally see Kurt's worried face in front of him. He gulped before attempting to speak.

"I'm fine...just tired" he hoped he sounded more convincing than he thought he did.

Kurt seemed upset but more so at the situation than at Blaine.

"Well, you're not fine but we have to go. Can you just hold on to me while we walk slowly?"

Blaine heard half of what Kurt was saying but the part he heard made sense. He blinked a few times, willing himself awake before he responded.

"Ye-yes, I can. Sorry" he gave Kurt a half-smile but Kurt still looked concerned and he let out an annoyed breath.

"Don't be sorry, they shouldn't have made us leave when you were still asleep. She basically drugged you and then told you to go home."

"It's ok, really.. let's just go" Blaine replied.

Kurt nodded but he still looked angry. Blaine knew that anything he said wouldn't change that type of anger. He didn't mind it though as he had grown to like when Kurt got protective-angry about him.

Kurt tightened his grip on Blaine's waist and Blaine held onto Kurt for dear life as they walked carefully through the ER. They manoeuvred through a mess of sick patients, running doctors and crying relatives as they made their way to the pharmacy. After getting the medication, they finally left the building and Kurt smiled as they took a step outside. Kurt inhaled the crisp summer air and it made him feel instantly calm. Despite the weird circumstances, Kurt was very happy to be leaving the hospital.

As he called a taxi, however, all of his non-medical concerns came to the forefront of his mind. He thought of all the things he wanted to say when they got home and he hoped he could get them all out before Blaine pushed him away. Kurt knew his feelings for Blaine could be one-sided and he wouldn't blame him if he rejected him; it would just hurt like a bitch. Unfortunately, he couldn't say he didn't deserve it as he was the one that ended things last time. Either way though, no matter what happened, Kurt needed to make sure Blaine was gonna be ok. Blaine was already going through so much and he didn't want to be the reason he felt worse. Kurt didn't think about that during the last break up but he knew it had to be his priority now.


	5. Who I am, Who I'm not

The taxi ride was relatively uneventful; Blaine drifted in and out of sleep while Kurt spent the time reeling from everything that happened and imagining every outcome of conversations he wanted to have with Blaine. When they got to Kurt's apartment building in Bushwick, Blaine perked his head up and insisted that he could walk up the stairs.

"I feel much better Kurt, it's fine"

Kurt looked at him, incredulously. Blaine did look a little better but his eyes were still a slightly unfocused and his voice was heavy with sleep. Kurt wasn't buying it.

"No, Blaine! You almost passed out like 20 minutes ago, why would I let you do that?"

Before Blaine could respond Kurt put his arm around Blaine's waist and pulled him in closer. He then grabbed Blaine hand, put it over his own neck and held it in place.

"There! Now you stay like that till we get upstairs. I don't want to hear any arguments from you."

Blaine smirked and begrudgingly mumbled something before they hobbled up to Kurt's apartment. Kurt could tell Blaine was walking more on his own which was a good sign but he still wasn't about to let him call the shots. If today had taught Kurt anything, it was that Blaine was horrible at making decisions about his wellbeing. 

When they got to the apartment, Kurt exhaled and breathed in the woody scent he knew to represent home. He looked at Blaine and he seemed to be panting slightly from the walk there.

"Couch or bed?" Kurt asked.

"Couch" Blaine huffed out.

Kurt deposited him on the couch and he seemed to relax back into the cushions. Kurt was happy to see that Blaine was sitting up while he slowed his breathing until he recovered from the walk.

Kurt was surprised that his apartment wasn't messier as he remembered leaving for his exam this morning in such a rush. He let out a long sigh as a huge weight seemed to be lifted off of him. He didn't realize how much he hated hospitals until now but he just felt so much safer and in control when he was home. It also felt good to have Blaine there because it meant there wasn't any uncertainty of tests or doctors lurking around the corner. It was just him and Blaine, at home, and the space suddenly didn't feel too big anymore. Kurt felt less alone.

He glanced over at Blaine and saw that he was leaning on the side of the couch with his elbow propped up on the armrest. His head was in his hand and he was rubbing his forehead with his fingers while his eyes were scrunched shut.

"Blaine, do you need anything? What's wrong?"

"Headache" he muttered.

"Do you want some Tylenol?"

Blaine opened his eyes and looked at Kurt wearily before he glanced at the kitchen, seemingly contemplating it.

"I don't- I don't know...I don't want to get sick again."

Kurt thought about it for a second and realized that maybe more medication wasn't such a good idea. Blaine's stomach might still be sensitive from before and he had already taken too much medication today. Before Kurt could think of what else to do, his own stomach growled loudly and he glanced down at it, shocked. Blaine stared at him with a small smile and Kurt looked back at him, embarrassed.

"Sorry about that!" He said quickly.

Blaine's face was amused but tired as he replied slowly.

"It's ok...you should eat"

Kurt looked at his watch and his eyes grew wide as he realized it was 9 pm. He couldn't believe that he hadn't eaten since 2! He figured he was just so stressed and distracted at the hospital that he didn't realize how hungry he was.

_Was this how Blaine felt all the time?_

His stomach growled again, almost agreeing with his train of thought.

_I guess it's not so hard to skip meals when you're busy._ Kurt mused as he looked at Blaine, finally understanding.

Blaine still seemed to be grimacing and rubbing his forehead and Kurt furrowed his brow as he realized something else. What Blaine was doing was different because there was no way Kurt could do this for more than one day. The hunger he felt right now was very uncomfortable and he couldn't imagine that Blaine being stressed about school was enough to make this happen for so many days. Judging by Blaine's weight-loss and how dehydrated he was, it was clear that Blaine has gotten used to skipping meals.

"Blaine, when was the last time you ate properly?" Kurt asked tentatively.

Blaine's eyes fluttered open and he looked confused for a second.

"I don't...uhm... I don't remember" he said while staring down at the floor.

Kurt wasn't surprised but he was definitely more concerned now.

"Ok, that settles it. I'm making some chicken noodle soup and we are both gonna eat it. I want to see you finish the whole bowl, ok?"

Blaine gulped and looked up at Kurt, his eyes filled with fear.

"I don't think I can eat that much, I might throw up," he said softly.

Kurt crossed his arms and looked at Blaine, unimpressed.

"Blaine, the doctor just gave you anti-nausea medicine and painkillers. Now is actually the best time for you to eat"

Blaine looked at him in dismay and continued.

"But my head-"

"Your headache could be from being hungry. Did you know that? People get headaches from not eating properly."

Kurt tried not to sound too condescending but he had had enough of Blaine's excuses and his own hunger was making him very impatient.

Blaine stared at Kurt with a blank expression, clearly having nothing to say.

Kurt shook his head and went to get a glass of water from the kitchen. He set it down in front of Blaine and then walked over to the bag from the hospital. He took out a yellow pill and handed it to Blaine. Blaine looked at it like he had never seen a pill before and then he glanced up at Kurt, confused.

"That's your new medication. You're supposed to take it half an hour before eating every night and every morning. So you're going to take it now, I'm going to make the soup and then we are going to eat together. No excuses." Kurt said sternly.

Blaine's looked crestfallen as he stared at the pill again and then back at Kurt. He bit his lip and Kurt hated how he felt himself losing his composure. Blaine's sad eyes could make him go from angry as hell to a soft, smothering teddy bear in two seconds. Kurt sighed and figured he had to indulge Blaine.

"What? What happened?" He asked, mildly annoyed.

"I'm just scared. I've never taken this kind of medication before. It could have side effects or make me feel sick or something, I just don't know!" He sounded like he was on the verge of crying and Kurt felt his heart clench.

Kurt sat on the coffee table so that he was at eye level with Blaine and he put a hand reassuringly on his leg. Blaine was still staring at the pill in his hand.

"Blaine, look at me, come on" Blaine did as he was told and Kurt spoke to him in a soothing manner.

"This medicine is only supposed to help you. It prevents nausea and all the other problems you have been having. I did some reading on it and it seems really safe."

Blaine nodded and took a deep breath. He grabbed the glass of water and Kurt got up to go start the food. As he started walking away, he glanced back at Blaine and saw him still staring at the water and the pill.

"Blaine!" Kurt shouted. Blaine was startled and whipped his head around to look at Kurt. Kurt smirked.

"Just trust me, ok! Take the pill and don't think about it."

"Okay," Blaine said unsurely before he finally swallowed the pill. He took a deep breath after and slumped back onto the couch. Kurt shook his head and shouted over his shoulder as he got to the kitchen.

"And finish the water too! I want to see an empty glass when I get back!"

Blaine sighed and drank the water. Luckily, it didn't hurt to swallow and he guessed the painkillers were still working. He wanted to be angry and argue with Kurt for forcing him to do stuff, and treating him like a child but he knew deep down that this was for the best. He felt guilty that Kurt had to do so much for him these past few hours so he figured the least he could do was listen to him. It was also much easier to trust Kurt's judgment than to make decisions for himself.

Blaine rubbed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair as he tried to make himself feel more awake. A lot had happened today and he still felt like he hadn't processed it properly. It was like he knew what was happening but his brain wasn't working fast enough to make decisions about anything. He felt like that every time he woke up but he figured he was just really tired and that the last set of meds was really strong. He hated feeling so woozy and foggy all the time but he was thankful that it had lessened as time went on. He felt much better now than when he had first woke up and drinking water did help. Blaine knew that he would be forever in debt to Kurt for his shouting.

Meanwhile, Kurt was in the kitchen making the soup and thinking about what to say to Blaine. There were a lot of issues he needed to talk to Blaine about but the thing that made Kurt the most nervous was having the dreaded _"I want you back"_ conversation. He kept overthinking exactly what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it.

_It doesn't make sense getting worked up now. You're going to talk to him tomorrow, anyway._ He convinced himself

He figured that with Blaine's headaches and half-asleep demeanour, it just didn't make sense to have a serious conversation today. A part of him also just wanted to wait until tomorrow because he was scared.

Kurt returned to the living room with two bowls of soup and Blaine thanked him as he set them down on the table.

Kurt eagerly scarfed down the soup and when he was halfway done, he looked over at Blaine. Blaine was staring at the bowl like it was poison and Kurt wondered how the hell he wasn't hungry.

_Maybe he's hungry but he's just scared to eat._

Kurt was surprised at how insightful his inner thoughts were and he felt like he should be more compassionate about what Blaine was going through.

"Blaine, come on, nothing's gonna happen. You took all the right meds and you're supposed to be eating."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure! Just stop thinking about it, and think about something else."

Blaine looked at the soup and took a deep breath before looking back at Kurt, hopefully.

"Kurt, can you..uhm...distract me?"

Blaine seemed so hesitant to ask Kurt for something so simple that it made Kurt's heart melt. He thought about it for a second and realized this was the first thing Blaine had asked for since he found him. He knew if it had been him who was sick, he would have been so demanding. Kurt smiled at Blaine and wished he didn't feel so enamoured by every little thing Blaine did.

"Of course, B. Do you want to watch some TV or hear a story or.. oo can I tell you about the plot of this play I saw recently?"

Blaine loved seeing Kurt's eyes light up so he agreed and Kurt excitedly told him a long-winded, romantic plot that had way too many side plots and unnecessary details. Kurt also provided full descriptions and comments on all of the costumes but Blaine didn't mind at all. It was exactly what he needed to take his mind off everything. Kurt kept reminding Blaine to eat and in no time the soup was finished and they were left laughing, talking excitedly and speculating about the sequel of the play.

When they were done, they smiled at each other and there was a comfortable silence that filled the air.

Kurt got up to move the plates to the kitchen and wash them. He kept thinking about how happy talking with Blaine made him and he realized he missed him even more than he thought. He made a promise to himself that he couldn't let Blaine leave without at least talking to him about how he felt.

When Kurt walked back to the living room he frowned as he noticed Blaine wasn't there. He looked around and saw that the bathroom door was closed and the light was coming out from under the door. Kurt panicked slightly but he tried to ignore it. _I can't be worried every time Blaine goes to the bathroom!_ he told himself. Still, he couldn't help but think about the last time Blaine was in the bathroom or the last time he tried to stand up on his own. Kurt hated that he couldn't control himself and he indulged his irrational worries.

"Blaine, are you ok? Did something happen?" He asked through the bathroom door.

When Blaine didn't answer Kurt felt a surge of worry flow through him. He tried to stop himself from freaking out but this situation was way too familiar for his liking. Kurt walked closer to the bathroom door and was about to pound on it when Blaine swung the door open and stepped right in front of Kurt's face. Kurt leaned back a bit and Blaine jumped at seeing Kurt so close to the door.

Both of them froze. They hadn't been this close to each other — with Blaine being conscious of course — in a really long time. Kurt tried to search Blaine's eyes for a sign of how he felt about it but he couldn't concentrate on anything. All Kurt heard was his rapid heartbeat ringing in his ears and all he could see was Blaine's face, his hair and his lips. He looked very attractive for some reason and Kurt didn't know what to do. Blaine blinked a few times and smiled at Kurt before he awkwardly stepped to the side and squeezed past Kurt and the door frame. He walked towards the couch and Kurt turned around to watch him. Blaine seemed a little unsteady and when he got to the carpet under the coffee table, he suddenly tripped.

"Be carefu-" Kurt shouted but Blaine seems to catch himself before Kurt could finish. Blaine held onto the table and the armrest of the couch to break his fall and Kurt exhaled. Blaine slowly sat back down on the couch and looked up at Kurt with a big, sheepish grin.

Kurt shook his head. This boy was going to drive him crazy.

"Were you saying something? I could barely hear you through the door," Blaine asked.

"Oh, uhm I just wanted to know if you were ok. Did something happen in the bathroom?"

"Oh, no I was just peeing."

Kurt let out a breath and was annoyed at himself for being so paranoid.

"Okay good, that's good" Kurt muttered.

"I also had to fix my hair because it looked like a birds nest." Blaine started running his fingers through his hair as he flattened a few stray curls on the sides and top of his head. "I can't believe my hair looked like that for a whole day. Why didn't you tell me?"

Now Kurt realized why Blaine looked different. His hair looked less like he had just woke up, he seemed more awake, and his skin had more colour to it than before. Kurt was happy that he was asking something so mundane but he had to feign annoyance as he replied to Blaine sarcastically.

"I'm sorry, I guess I was too busy making sure you didn't pass out or get sick on the floor"

Blaine chuckled and smiled embarrassingly up at Kurt.

"That's probably more important."

"Yea, I guess it is."

Blaine still seemed to be preoccupied with the way he looked as he buttoned his shirt and looking around the couch.

"Do you know where my bowtie is?"

"Yes," Kurt rolled his eyes as he walked over to the bag and pulled out the bow tie. He wasn't surprised at all that these were the first things Blaine was thinking about. As he handed the bowtie to Blaine, Kurt couldn't help but smile widely at the look of pure joy on Blaine's face.

"Thank you! I thought I left it somewhere!" Blaine ran his fingers over the fabric of the bow tie and smirked as he tucked it away in his pocket.

"You did. You left it in the bathroom at school" Kurt said solemnly as his mind wandered to the bathroom at NYADA. He sighed as he sat down on the couch next to Blaine.

"Oh..right" Blaine muttered as his face fell.

Blaine still didn't remember half of what happened this afternoon and Kurt didn't want to remember. Kurt wanted to just focus on what was happening right now and right now, Blaine seemed fine. He looked at Blaine seriously.

"Blaine, I know you don't like talking about it but I need you to tell me exactly how you're feeling right now. You seem much better but I need to know for sure"

Blaine returned his serious look and nodded.

"I do feel a lot better actually. The eating and the water definitely helped, so thank you." He gave Kurt a small smile.

"Good, I'm glad. But I need you to promise me that if you feel anything later or tomorrow or at any time, you have to tell me."

"Ok, I will."

"I'm serious, Blaine. I know you don't seem to care, but when you're not honest with this stuff, then you end up in the hospital, and I'm a nervous mess, and it's not fair for everyone involved."

"I know and I'm really sorry that happened. It won't happen again, and I promise I'll be completely honest in the future."

"Good. Now, can you tell me how you actually feel?"

"I feel fine, Kurt! I'm serious. I'm just a little tired but I think the meds from the hospital were really strong so I don't feel sick or anything else."

"Ok, well you probably just need to sleep it off then."

Blaine nodded. He looked around the room before he glanced awkwardly at Kurt and then put his hands on the edge of the couch. He looked like he was about to get up.

"Well I guess I better head home then."

Kurt was shocked that Blaine had even considered that.

"Are you insane? Blaine, it's so late, you can obviously sleep here."

"Are you sure? I don't want to intru-"

"Blaine, please. You can skip the formalities, I basically carried you here and you can't even walk properly. Why would you think you couldn't sleep here?"

"I don't know. I just-I thought I should ask."

"Well, you don't have to ask. We used to share this apartment B, you don't have to pretend we don't have a history."

Blaine's eyes widened and Kurt wasn't sure if there was some unspoken, mutual agreement not to discuss their past. Kurt decided he didn't want to hide anything and he tried to convey some of what he was feeling for Blaine through his words.

"Blaine, after everything we have been through together, please don't act like a stranger around me. I know we haven't talked in a while but you are always welcome here. You're not intruding at all and don't hesitate to use anything or ask me for anything while you're here." _I love you and I don't want you to leave_ , he thought. But he knew he couldn't say that yet.

Blaine thanked Kurt profusely for everything and Kurt wanted to tell him to stop saying thank you so much but he figured it was a lost cause. Even when they were together Blaine would say thank you for even the smallest things Kurt would do for him. It was one of the things Kurt loved about him.

"Actually do you mind if I take a shower? My clothes smell like a hospital." Blaine said while looking at his shirt in dismay.

"Yes, please do! I should actually take one too." Kurt smelt his own shirt and scrunched his nose up in disgust.

He went to go get Blaine a set of clothes to wear and he wondered if it was weird to give Blaine his own clothes. He has a few of Blaine's shirts and PJs that he used occasionally but he didn't want to have any awkward realizations or exchanges if he gave him those. He decided it was best to give him his own clothes and soon Blaine was showering while Kurt sat on the couch.

Kurt had contemplated asking Blaine if he needed any help but he could feel himself getting overbearing so he didn't. Instead, he decided to wait outside the bathroom and listen for any sounds that seemed like he fell or something happened.

_Why am I like this? I'm being a crazy mother hen right now and it needs to stop. He's fine._

Blaine seemed to be taking a long shower and when he finally walked out of the bathroom, Kurt stood up and followed him to the room.

_Don't be crazy. Don't be crazy, just be cool,_ he told himself.

Blaine got into the bed and was about to lie down when Kurt remembered something.

"Wait! You're supposed to sleep upright." He said and he went to get some extra pillows.

When he returned, Blaine let out a huge yawn and looked sleepily at Kurt.

"Thanks" he mumbled as Kurt arranged the pillows and he lay back on them. He was staring at Kurt nonchalantly and then his eyes suddenly went wide and he sat up quickly.

"Oh my god, was I supposed to sleep on the couch? I'm so sorry, I should have asked."

"No, no Blaine this is fine. I was going to tell you to sleep on the bed anyway, it's all good." Kurt chuckled and Blaine seemed to calm himself slightly.

"Are you sure? Where are you going to sleep?"

Kurt wondered if he should sleep on the couch but he figured he would take the risk and tell Blaine what he actually wanted to do.

"I was going to sleep on the other side of the bed if that's ok with you. If it's not, I can sleep on the couch, it's not a big deal."

"No, it's completely fine! I mean it's your bed, you can do what you want"

Blaine yawned again as he pulled up the covers. He relaxed back into the pillows and blinked slowly a few times before he closed his eyes.

"Goodnight, Kurt" he whispered as he drifted off.

"Goodnight, Blaine" Kurt responded as he watched him fall asleep.

Kurt sighed as he stood over the bed and watched Blaine for a few minutes. He now knew the difference between Blaine being asleep, him being sedated and him being passed out and sick. He wished he didn't know the differences but knowing them did make him feel more at ease when he saw Blaine sleeping peacefully.

As Kurt got ready for bed, he reassured himself that everything was fine.

_Blaine's fine, you're fine, and the conversation tomorrow is going to go smoothly_ , he convinced himself.

_It has to._

_I mean we_ _ARE soulmates, right?_ _Blaine_ _had to say yes._


	6. All I needed was a call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *TW* MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION AND PANIC ATTACKS

When Blaine opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was blinding sunlight on his face. He squinted while holding his hand up to block the light. As he took in his surroundings, he panicked slightly but before he could fully freak out, memories from yesterday came rushing into his head. He sighed as everything finally made sense. Though he remembered how it happened, he still couldn't believe that he was in Kurt's apartment, lying in Kurt's bed and wearing Kurt's clothes. He had had dreams about this happening and he couldn't believe that this was actually real.

He looked to his left and smiled at how perfect Kurt looked when he slept. The light from the sun made it seem like Kurt was glowing and he looked like an angel. Blaine couldn't help but gaze at Kurt's beautiful face and a whole host of memories flooded his brain. He remembered waking up next to Kurt, falling asleep next to Kurt and just laying next to him so many times. As he thought about it more, he felt his heart ache.

He missed this so much. He missed this bed and Kurt and being with him so much that it hurt. He tried to look away from Kurt but then he was looking at the walls and he was assaulted by memories of them dancing, laughing, getting dressed and kissing all around the bedroom. The memories used to make him happy but now they just made him upset and he felt really overwhelmed by all of it. He felt his heartbeat quicken so he scrambled off the bed and left the room. He needed to get out of there; the memories and being next to Kurt in bed was too much.

As he walked into the living room and looked for his bag, he kept replaying yesterday's events in his mind.

_How did I not feel this before? Yesterday I was fine, what happened?_

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes to calm himself. He tried to think of how he was able to maintain his cool yesterday as he didn't remember feeling nearly as overwhelmed. After a second, it clicked to him; he was heavily medicated and wasn't thinking properly before.

Blaine opened his eyes and looked around the apartment. Everything looked and felt much clearer. It was a huge contrast to the half-aware state he was in yesterday and he sighed as he kind of wished he could go back to that

_What's wrong with you, Blaine? Don't you want to be aware of what's going on?_

He did hate how he felt yesterday, but having this pain from just looking at the apartment or being near Kurt, didn't feel so good either.

Blaine knew he had to leave but as he started thinking about how he would get home, his stomach growled loudly.

_Should I eat before I go?_

Kurt did say he could use anything in the apartment so maybe he should make some breakfast. He considered it for a second and then decided that if he didn't, he might pass out again and he did _NOT_ want to end up back at the hospital if he could help it. He sighed as he remembered that he should probably take his new medicine before he ate. He made his way to the bag from the hospital and found that his body actually felt a little stiff and his muscles ached a bit.

_This is probably a side effect from all the stuff that happened yesterday._ He sighed and reminded himself not to let that happen again.

After he took the medication, he made his way to the kitchen and he felt more nervous as he saw traces of Kurt all over. Thinking about Kurt and how happy he was when they were together made his chest hurt and he wished he could just stop _feeling_ so damn much.

_You're fine, Blaine. It's just a kitchen. Just do what you need to do and leave._ He tried listening to his inner dialogue and focusing on what he was doing.

_Just make breakfast, eat it, and go. Come on, Blaine you can do this._

He decided to make breakfast for Kurt too, as a way to thank him for everything. He also figured that if he gave Kurt the food, he wouldn't feel so bad for leaving quickly.

Blaine got to work, and as he focused on the methodical tasks he had to do, he calmed himself. He cooked his meal, ate and then cooked for Kurt before he heard some noises from the across the room. He looked up and froze as he saw Kurt walking into the kitchen. He tried to keep his face calm and smile as Kurt walked closer.

"Good morning!" He hoping he didn't sound unnecessarily excited.

"Morning, Blaine," Kurt smiled sleepily as he trudged forward.

Kurt made his way to the table to sit down and Blaine didn't know how to feel with Kurt being so close to him. He hoped Kurt didn't see his hands shaking as he put the plate of food down on the table. He cleared his throat and tried to sound as normal as he could.

"I hope you don't mind but I made us some breakfast." He motioned to the plate in front of Kurt.

"Oh is this for me? Blaine, you shouldn't have!"

Kurt gave Blaine the biggest grin and his eyes seemed to sparkle as he looked at him. Blaine felt some of the tension in his shoulders melt and he smiled at Kurt before responding.

"It's the least I could do. Thanks again for everything you did for me yesterday."

"Hey! I told you not to be formal with me. You don't have to keep thanking me, I was happy to help."

Blaine smiled at Kurt and Kurt started to eat the food on the table. Blaine opened his mouth to tell Kurt he was going to leave but before he could say anything, Kurt asked him a question about how he cooked the eggs. Blaine answered quickly and when he was done, Kurt asked him another question about the food. Blaine thought that was odd but he answered anyway. When Kurt was almost done eating, Blaine took a deep breath and chose his next words carefully.

"Um Kurt, I think I'm gonna go. I ha-have some work I have to do for school and all my stuff is at my apartment."

Kurt frowned and looked at Blaine, eyeing him up and down.

"Are you sure you're ok? How to do you feel today?"

"Oh, really good. Much better, I don't feel sick at all."

"Really?" Kurt asked pointedly and he looked at Blaine seriously. He seemed to be searching Blaine eyes for something and Blaine knew that look. It was so hard to lie to Kurt when he looked at him like that so Blaine tried to avoid Kurt's gaze when he spoke.

"Yea-yes, I'm sure I'm ok. I really should go."

"Did you eat already?"

"Yes"

"And there was no pain?"

Blaine sighed and looked up at Kurt. He felt bad for lying when he saw how concerned Kurt looked.

"Not really. It's still there a little bit but the medicine has helped a lot."

Kurt nodded.

"That's good. That's really good."

Blaine smiled at Kurt and then started walking towards the door.

Kurt finished the last bit of food on his plate and got up quickly to follow Blaine. He felt really anxious and scared that Blaine might leave without hearing what had to say. He was also fully unprepared for Blaine to be in such a rush to leave. Blaine actually seemed to be avoiding him and acting very distant this morning.

_Did I do something wrong?_ Kurt wondered. Blaine's actions made Kurt even more nervous and unsure of how Blaine would react to his confession. He had been practising his speech in his head for so long but somehow whenever he looked at Blaine's face, he forgot everything he wanted to say. Instead, he asked him dumb questions about the food to stall him.

As he saw Blaine putting things in his bag, he felt a surge of panic.

_It's now or never Kurt. You can do this._

He bit his lip and looked at Blaine's back as he was hunched over the bag and zipping it up. Kurt had so much to say but when he opened his mouth, it was like his vocal cords froze and he couldn't speak. He saw Blaine put the bag on his shoulder and make his way to the door and something in Kurt's mind screamed at him, _SAY SOMETHING, KURT. SAY ANYTHING._

'I LOVE YOU!" Kurt blurted out. Kurt's eyes widened in alarm and he put his hand to his mouth. He couldn't believe he had just said that.

Blaine stopped walking abruptly and slowly turned around. He looked at Kurt questioningly and raised his eyebrow slightly. He was both curious and afraid of what Kurt was going to say next.

Kurt never thought he would be this nervous to talk to Blaine but here he was, feeling like Blaine was his high school crush all over again. He looked at Blaine, locking eyes before his thoughts spilled out of his mouth.

"Blaine, I am... so _so_ sorry for what I did. It was really messed up and I know there's no excuse good enough. I've been thinking about this for a while and I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure this out but I-I really.. uhm.. I really want to be with you. If your willing, of course, I think we could give this..uh.. give us another shot."

Blaine stared at Kurt seriously as he put down his bag. Kurt had talked so fast that he would be surprised if Blaine actually understood everything he said. Blaine seemed to fixate on Kurt's face as he spoke.

"What exactly do you mean, Kurt?" He asked slowly.

"I'm saying I want to get back together. I love you an-and I want to do everything with you. I can't imagine my life without you, Blaine and I miss you like crazy."

Kurt looked at him earnestly and Blaine was having a hard time sticking to his guns. Blaine knew he had to think rationally about this but a part of him just wanted to run into Kurt's arms, kiss him all over and never stop. He took a deep breath and tried to think with his brain before thinking with his heart.

"Are you absolutely sure?" He asked.

"Yes, of course I'm sure! Why wouldn't I be?"

Blaine huffed. He needed to maintain his composure and get out everything he wanted to say.

"Because that's what you said last time and then you...you broke up with me."

"What? I never said that last time, what are you talking about?"

Blaine was getting frustrated now. Why was Kurt arguing with him when he was the one that was in the wrong?

"Kurt, you've told me you loved me and that you couldn't live without me before but then you still broke up with me," his tone was pointed.

Kurt gulped and realized he had to explain himself better.

"I know. And I'm really sorry Blaine, but last time everything was happening so fast. I mean we moved in too fast, then the wedding planning was so overwhelming and with school and all our friends leaving, it was just too much. I had a really hard time adjusting to everything. I was-I realized recently that I have issues with...commitment, an-and I didn't know how to deal with it before but I know now. I'm not scared of it anymore, I swear I'm sure now."

"You're not _SCARED_ anymore?" Why were you scared before?"

"Because marriage is a big step! I had all these ideas about what it meant and I felt like we were too young for that. But I know now that it just meant that we would be together forever and I know I want that now."

He took a step closer to Blaine and Blaine seemed to be thinking about everything Kurt said. His face was still testing and he seemed unsure of Kurt's intentions.

"How do I know you're not just saying that? How do I know that when we think about marriage in the future, you're not just going to leave me again?"

Kurt was shocked by that question. He really didn't know how to answer it but he figured he should just say how he was feeling.

"I won't. I swear to you, Blaine, I'll never leave you again."

Blaine blinked a few times and gulped as his eyes turned red. He looked up at the ceiling and then back at Kurt.

"I want to believe you, I really do but I just...I just can't trust you anymore."

Kurt was taken aback. He never thought Blaine would have trust issues with him.

"Really? Why?"

"Because you always say these nice things to me but clearly you don't mean it!"

"Of course I mean it, Blaine! I have always meant it. Maybe I wasn't good at showing it before but I promise you, this time I'll show you. This time I'll do better."

"You'll do better? Really, Kurt?"

"Yes, Blaine! What else do you want me to say? I know I messed up really badly. I know I did. But I swear to you, I'll do everything to make it work this time."

Blaine shook his head and looked around the room, avoiding Kurt's gaze. Kurt took another step closer and looked at Blaine square in the eyes, his voice pleading.

"Please, just give me another chance. I swear I will make it up to you, B. Please, can we just-just try this again?"

Blaine's eyes grew wide as he glared at Kurt indignantly.

"You want to _TRY_? You want to just try and see what happens? Is that it, Kurt?"

"Yes, Blaine! What is so wrong with that?"

"Kurt you-" He scoffed as he looked to the side and pursed his lips in annoyance. He put his hands on his hips and looked down.

"Spit it out, Blaine. I know you've been dying to say something since we started this conversation. Let's put all our cards on the table this time, no more secrets."

Blaine looked up at Kurt with his eyes growing narrow while he spoke with a harsh tone.

"Kurt, trust me you don't want to know."

"Yes, I do! The whole thing that happened yesterday was because you didn't speak up and say something when you were hurting. You promised you would be honest with me about how you're feeling!"

Blaine puffed out his chest before shouting.

"You want to talk about promises? You said we would always belong to each other, even if we were broken up, even if we were just friends. You said that-" His voice cracked and he looked to the left as he blinked a few times and took in a shaky breath. He glared at Kurt and his voice got quieter.

"You said you were never saying goodbye to me and that you would never stop loving me and then...you did."

He scrunched his lips to the side of his face and sniffled a few times to stop the tears that threatened to leave his eyes.

"Did all those promises and words mean nothing to you?" He continued, softly.

Kurt was stunned. He couldn't believe that he had done that but when Blaine said it like that, it made it seem painfully true. _Did I really break all of those promises?_ Surely he had never _really_ said goodbye to Blaine, and he sure as hell never stopped loving him.

"Blaine, I never stopped loving you. Maybe I didn't talk to you for a while, and maybe I said some things when we broke up but I would have always been there for you if you needed. If you called me to talk, as a friend, I would have answered."

Blaine looked at Kurt seethingly.

"You would have answered?" He asked quietly.

"Yes, I would have," Kurt replied surely.

Blaine nodded in fake acknowledgement before glaring at Kurt square in the eyes.

"Well, I did call you, Kurt. I called you twice actually and you didn't answer."

Kurt furrowed his brow as he thought about it for a second. He was sure he would have remembered if Blaine called.

"When was this?"

"The same month you ended things. I called you and both times I really... _really_ needed you and you weren't there." Blaine exhaled deeply and put his hands on his face. He rubbed his eyes and then stared into the distance as though he was trying to forget something.

Kurt was even more confused now and he gulped as guilt starting to wash over him. He knew he had nothing of value to say so he figured it was best to just listen as Blaine continued.

"You don't know how hard isn't been without you, Kurt. You don't know what I went through. I can't just 'try' again and hope you'll 'do better.' I can't put myself through that again."

He seemed sure of himself now and he took a deep shaky breath before looking at Kurt solemnly and waiting for a response.

"Blaine it was hard for me too. I know that I was the one who ended things but trust me, this hasn't been easy for me either. I know how you feel."

"No you don't, Kurt! I was really-" Blaine gulped as though he had stopped himself from saying something he would regret. His eyes had started to tear up again and he stared intensely at Kurt while blinking and sniffling to hold back tears. It was clear that he had gotten good at stopping himself from crying.

"Tell me, please" Kurt whispered while staring into Blaine's eyes.

Blaine took a deep breath and avoided Kurt's gaze before he spoke. His voice was heavy with emotion.

"After the breakup, I was really..uh.. depressed. It felt like I was suffocating and drowning and every day felt worse than the last. I was barely passing my classes, I had no social life and I couldn't even play the piano because my hands were shaking all the time." Blaine took a shuddered breath and continued.

"I called you when I was...crying on the floor for hours and I felt like I couldn't breathe, and you-you didn't answer." He gulped, tears falling slowly from his eyes and he looked up at Kurt.

Kurt blinked as few times as he felt tears prick the corner of his own eyes. He couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that he had caused all this pain. It couldn't be true.

Blaine wiped his eyes, hardened his resolve and continued.

"I didn't know what to do so I talked to a therapist and it turns out I was ha-having really bad panic attacks. They didn't stop for a while, Kurt." He looked straight into Kurt's now tearful eyes and took on a harsh, accusatory tone.

"Is that how you felt?"

Kurt's entire body felt numb. He didn't know if he could speak but he tried anyway.

"No" he replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

Blaine knew that Kurt didn't go through the same thing but hearing him say that still made him upset. He hated how unfair the situation was.

"You want to to know why I was so stressed about my exams? It's because I failed two courses and Madame Tibideaux told me that if I didn't ace all my exams, I would be kicked out of NYADA. So yea I didn't eat properly and I felt sick most days and you know what? It didn't make a fucking difference because I could barely pass my exams anyway. Is that what happened to you?"

Kurt shook his head. He felt white-hot guilt envelope his body and he was trying not to break down into sobs in front of Blaine. A few tears fell easily from his eyes but he tried to stop it there. He didn't deserve to cry right now. Blaine softened his gaze slightly when he saw Kurt's face.

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad or get sympathy or pity or anything like that. But you asked, so I thought I would tell you what was really happening."

Kurt sniffled a few times and nodded. He wrapped his arms around his torso and looked at Blaine. Blaine didn't want to hurt Kurt but he knew he had to say everything now or he would never say it.

"I just need you to know that this is not easy for me. I can't just jump back into this relationship and hope that everything will be fine. If something goes wrong again, I don't... I don't think I could handle it. I can't live my life being worried you're going to leave at any moment. I can't, and I won't do it."

Kurt opened his mouth to say something but he stopped himself. He was going to say that he would never leave but saying stuff like that is what hurt Blaine in the first place. He made promises he didn't keep and now he knew that words weren't enough so he just stayed silent.

Blaine took a hitched breath and let his tears fall as he looked around the room. He couldn't look at Kurt's face because even after everything, he couldn't face the fact that he had just made Kurt cry. He felt terrible for berating Kurt like that but he was glad he had the strength to say what he did. He tried to find something to focus on in the room so he didn't have to look at Kurt but it was harder than he thought. The couch, the dining table, the bedroom, the kitchen; it all reminded him of Kurt and their relationship and he couldn't bear it. Everything in this damn apartment hurt to look at and he felt panic rising in his chest.

_I just turned Kurt down, I just turned down the best thing in my life and for what? Because I was scared of getting hurt again? Why did it hurt so much? Saying no hurt but saying yes hurt even more because it meant he could be mine and then leave me again._

Blaine noticed that his heart had started to race and he felt his lungs tighten a bit. _No, no shit,_ he thought. His thoughts started consuming him and he felt a deep sense of fear that was very familiar. He didn't want to remember what came after that feeling so he took a deep breath and tried his best to calm down.

_You're fine Blaine, everything's fine_ , _just breathe_ he told himself. A part of him knew he wasn't fine but he tried to ignore that part and focus on taking a few slow breathes instead. It was working but he was still really scared of what could happen. He knew he had to leave this situation so he looked at Kurt and spoke.

"I can't be here anymore" Blaine's voice was shaky.

This made Kurt snap out of his guilt-ridden trance and he looked up, trying to understand what Blaine was saying. His own voice was tearful and heavy.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't be here in this apartment, with you, and with us... together. It's too much." Blaine took a quick breath as he looked around the apartment tearfully. "I have to go" he muttered as he turned to get his bag.

Kurt was heartbroken. _This couldn't be it, this wasn't supposed to happen._

"No, Blaine, please, let's talk about this. I'm sure we can figure something out. Don't leave"

Blaine's back was turned but Kurt could see that he was shaking slightly and breathing heavily.

"I can't..I-it's too much," he said as he walked quickly towards the door.

Kurt was sobbing now and he had to fight to get himself to say anything. He was too shocked and hurt to think about what was happening. His voice was thick with tears.

"Blaine, no, please talk to me."

Blaine paused as he reached the door.

"I'm sorry" he whispered before slamming the door behind him.


	7. Just a little late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* PANIC ATTACKS AND INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

The door slamming made Kurt jump and the sound of it echoed through the almost empty apartment. Kurt broke down into sobs and fell to his knees as he let out everything he was holding in. His brain was like a tornado of emotions and thoughts.

_This is all my fault. He's gone and he's never coming back because I hurt him. He had to see a therapist and was in so much pain because of me. He was sick because of me._

Kurt knew the guilt would eat him alive if he didn't stop that train of thought but a small part of him thought he deserved it. Besides being the cause of all these terrible things in Blaine's life, it killed him that he didn't even notice that something was wrong.

_There's no excuse for not being there. There's no excuse for not being at least a friend to Blaine. Blaine was there for me, any day, anytime during our first break-up. And this time, Blaine hadn't done anything to deserve this total isolation._

_Why did I miss that damn call?_ _Did I just forget all the promises I made? Was I just so blinded by my rage and fear of commitment that I ignored it? Did I ignore him?_

Kurt had never regretted and hated something so much, at the same time. The thought of Blaine crying on the floor, calling him and him not picking up made him feel physically sick. He clutched his stomach as more tears fell from his eyes. He would do _ANYTHING_ to turn back time and answer that call.

But he couldn't. There was nothing he could do now. Blaine didn't want to be with him; he didn't even want to be in the same room as him.

As he thought about Blaine leaving, Kurt looked at the door through his tear-filled eyes. He hadn't even considered if Blaine was okay enough to get himself home.

 _Go after him, a_ small part of his brain shouted.

Kurt wasn't sure if there was anything more he could do or say; Blaine seemed to have made up his mind.

 _It doesn't matter. You have to fight for what you want, Hummel. Don't give up!_ The voice continued. It sounded surprisingly similar to his dad's voice and Kurt felt compelled to listen.

 _He's your soulmate, you can't stop fighting for him. You're going to chase him to the ends of the earth if you have because you're not giving up now. You're NEVER giving up on him._ Kurt sighed. A part of him thought he didn't deserve Blaine after everything but the other part really wanted to fight and listen to the voice in his head.

 _Never give up, Kurt. Go after him._ Kurt focused on the voice as he picked himself up from the floor and tried to slow down his sobs. His mind was a mess of emotions but his legs seemed to be moving of their own volition, and suddenly he was walking towards the door. He was still a bubbling mess when he yanked it open and ran down the hallway. When he got to the end of the floor, he saw a figure hunched over near the elevator and he recognized Blaine's jacket. At first, he thought he was imagining things but as he walked quickly towards the figure, he saw that it was Blaine.

Blaine was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and his knees pulled into his chest. His hands were wrapped around his legs, his head was low and it looked like he was sobbing uncontrollably. As Kurt got closer, however, he saw that Blaine's face was red and his whole body was shaking as he was trying and failing to catch his breath. He was coughing and hyperventilating terribly and Kurt stopped in his tracks when he realized what was happening.

 _Panic attack,_ he thought. _Blaine said he gets panic attacks._ _SHIT_

Kurt wanted to help but his body felt frozen as his thoughts poisoned his mind again.

_This is your fault too. He's in pain because of you. He can't breathe because of you. You did this.  
_

Kurt took a few shaky breaths himself and tried to calm down so that he could help. As the shock of seeing Blaine wore off, fresh tears spilt from Kurt's eyes. He wasn't thinking straight as he kneeled down in front of Blaine and tried to touch his shoulder. Blaine flinched and Kurt moved his hand quickly. Blaine looked up at Kurt with pure fear in his eyes and Kurt's brain just stopped working. The guilt was consuming him and he knew that if he didn't stop thinking about it soon, he would be the next one struggling to breathe.

Kurt closed his eyes for a second and forced himself to stop thinking altogether. The next few things he said were straight from the heart and were a barely coherent mess.

"Blaine, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, I don't know what else to say. I don't know what to do to fix this. I love you- I love you so much, you're the love of my-"

"Don't!" Blaine choked out. "I c-can't...Kurt..not now." Blaine whispered between hitched breaths.

"You don't have to, you don't. Blaine, I promise, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I swear I'll leave if you want me too. I'll leave and you never have to see me again. I'll do whatever you want."

Kurt saw that Blaine was barely keeping his eyes open and he was looking paler by the second. Kurt couldn't tell if Blaine could hear him but he didn't know how else to help. He leaning in closer to Blaine and spoke louder.

"Blaine, your gonna be ok, everything is going to be fine, just please right now, please breathe."

Blaine's hands started slipping from his knees and his head tilted to the side like he was about to pass out.

"BLAINE! Look at me, look at me" Kurt shouted. He cupped Blaine's face and Blaine looked up at Kurt with half-open, unfocused eyes. His face was still contorted with fear while Kurt spoke loudly and slowly.

"Breath, Blaine, breath! You're okay, you're safe, everything's okay. Just concentrate on your breathing and don't think about anything else."

Kurt forced himself to take a deep breath to lead by example.

"Look at me, follow my breathing, ok? Breathe with me." Kurt sounded desperate.

Blaine blinked a few times and finally seemed to hear what Kurt was saying as he tried to mimic Kurt's breathing. Kurt took a shaky breath in and Blaine followed with a half breath, half cough.

"Just slowly Blaine, in and out...in and out," Kurt said as he forced himself to take slow, deep breaths.

They tried to breathe together for a few minutes until it started to work and Blaine seemed to calm down a little. Kurt kept whispering reassuring phrases and telling Blaine to focus on his breathing and block out everything else.

Finally, Blaine took an almost normal breath and relaxed against the wall slowly. He continued to breathe deeply and calm himself while his eyes wandered around the hallway, taking in his surroundings.

Kurt was still in shock from seeing Blaine like that. He could hear his heart pounding rapidly in his ears and he blinked a few times as he slowly came down from what he assumed was an adrenaline high. He had absolutely no idea what he was doing just now and he was surprised that what he did and said had actually helped.

Blaine seemed more aware of what was going on now and he looked up at Kurt wearily, his mouth agape as though he was thinking of something to say. Kurt didn't want him to feel like he had to say anything so he gave Blaine a reassuring smile and moved to the side so that he was out of Blaine's line of vision. He figured it was probably best if they weren't facing each other as he didn't want to do anything that might make Blaine uncomfortable.

Kurt sat beside Blaine and leaned his back against the wall as he stretched out his legs next to Blaine's. Kurt stared at the wall in front of him and fully calmed himself down before he glanced over at Blaine. He took in every inch of the younger boy's face and watched the steady rise and fall of his chest. Blaine seemed to be breathing normally but his jaw was clenched and his eyes were filled with emotion as he stared intently at the wall in front of him. Kurt wanted to ask him if he was okay or if he wanted him to leave but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. The reason Blaine was out here in the first place was to get away from him and judging by what just happened, Blaine clearly was not okay. Kurt was scared to leave him alone but he also knew that staying could hurt him more. Kurt sighed as he figured this wasn't even his decision to make. He didn't want Blaine to catch him staring so he turned away and copied Blaine's coping strategy of staring at the wall.

Blaine was still processing everything that had just happened. He took slow breaths and tried to distract himself with calming thoughts but he couldn't get Kurt's face out of his mind. The image of Kurt's piercing, blue, tear-filled eyes staring at him with concern and desperation consumed his thoughts. At first, the image scared him but now it just motivated him to keep breathing and calming himself down so that he wouldn't have to see that type of fear in Kurt's eyes ever again. Funny enough, it was much easier to calm himself down so that Kurt wouldn't be scared, but he couldn't do it for himself. Blaine could feel himself giving in to some of the feelings for Kurt that he tried to bury and he had no idea what those feelings meant for his future or what he wanted right now.

Both Kurt and Blaine were lost in their thoughts and had no concept of how much time was going by. The just sat there, next to each other, backs against the wall and staring straight ahead as they contemplated the nature of their feelings for each other and what they wanted.

After several minutes, Kurt snapped back into reality and realized that this might be the last time he could talk to Blaine if he decided not to see him again. Kurt felt like he had to say something as he owed it to the voice in his head and to Blaine to give it one last shot. He cleared his throat and spoke.

"Blaine, I know there's no excuse for what I did to you, and you don't have to forgive me. I can sit here and swear to you that I'll never leave and that I love you more than anything but I know it's not enough. It's not; not after everything you went through. I want to spend every day making it up to you and I want to show you every day that I am here for you and I will always be here. But again, those would just be promises and based on my track record, I wouldn't trust me either. I know I didn't go through nearly as much as you did but I can tell you that I have been really..uhm...lonely these past few months. And with you in my life, even just as a friend, I always feel less alone."

Kurt paused for a beat, then continued.

"If you've decided that not being together is the best thing for you then I will completely respect your decision and I won't ask you about it again. But if you'll have me, I would really like my best friend back. I know I have no right to ask you for anything, but this is the last thing I'll say. I swear."

Kurt heard a sniffling sound and his eyes grew wide as he glanced over and saw that Blaine was crying. _Shit, did I seriously make him cry again? What's wrong with me?_

"You're right," Blaine said quietly.

"What?"

"I do feel less alone when your here. It's just that you remind me of what I lost and the bad times when you weren't there but you also make me feel safe and it feels so good to be around you. I don't-I don't know what I want to do yet and I'm sorry for being so indecisive but I know that I want you in my life. I think, m-maybe just as a friend for now."

Kurt smiled at Blaine.

"I would love that. We can definitely be friends."

Blaine turned to look at Kurt and smiled back.

"And thank you for helping me just now..with that. It was definitely better to have someone there."

Kurt nodded seriously.

"Of course. And I know it doesn't count for much now but I'm so incredibly sorry I wasn't there for you before. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself and I hope you know that if I answered that call, I would have dropped everything to help you. I would have."

Blaine smiled slightly and nodded.

"I know"

"And as your friend now, I promi-" Kurt paused as he didn't want to say promise anymore. He sighed and continued.

"I will try my hardest to always answer your calls and to be there for you as long as you need, or whenever you need me."

Blaine smiled sadly and looked down.

"I'm sorry for being so needy." He said softly as he took in a teary breath.

Kurt turned and grabbed Blaine's face while looking seriously into his eyes. Blaine looked up at Kurt, his eyes full of shame.

"Blaine, don't ever apologize for needing me. I want you to need me! I need you to need me. If you don't need me then I have nothing, I have no purpose. You think school, or my other friends or my career means anything to me? I would give it all up for you. I would do it in a heartbeat; it's not even a question."

Blaine smiled widely and cried happy tears as his lip quivered. He didn't know what to say and he didn't know if he could speak but he tried anyway.

"I would..fo-for you too" he managed.

Kurt wrapped him in a bone-crushing hug and Blaine hugged him back as tightly as he could. He grabbed at the fabric of Kurt's shirt like it was the only thing keeping him alive and he felt relief wash over him. He didn't want or need to cry but the tears kept falling out of his eyes and he didn't know how to stop them.

"I don't know why I'm crying," he said, exasperated.

"It's okay to cry, Blaine! There doesn't have to be a reason" Kurt smiled to himself.

Kurt rubbed Blaine's back and ran his hands through the hair at the nape of Blaine's neck. Blaine closed his eyes and nuzzled into Kurt's shoulder as his tears fell silently.

Blaine needed this. He felt really safe for the first time in a long time and all his fears seemed to disappear because Kurt was here and he was holding him and he wasn't alone. He didn't like the fact that he felt so relieved right now because this need for Kurt is what broke him when Kurt was gone. But he had to make a conscious decision not to focus on the past.

 _He's here now, just enjoy this time. Live in the present, and just be here,_ he told himself. _  
_

Blaine took a deep breath and listened to Kurt's heartbeat next to his. He felt Kurt's breath on his shoulder and Kurt's hand on his neck. He tried to focus on what he could feel, see and hear and it soothed him.

Kurt had been terrified of Blaine leaving and walking out of his life for good. Seeing him struggling to breathe only intensified Kurt's fear of losing him. But hugging him now and feeling Blaine's warmth in his arms made him feel so at ease and reassured that he was okay.

 _He's here, he's with you and he's alive. He's going to be fine. We're going to be fine,_ Kurt reassured himself as he held onto Blaine a little tighter and Blaine did the same.

Neither Kurt nor Blaine wanted to let go.


	8. Lost and Insecure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* mentions of depression, therapy and related medicine.

After a few minutes, Kurt heard voices coming from the end of the hall and he perked his head up. He saw a group of people walking down the hallway towards them and he sighed. Blaine heard the noises too so he asked Kurt what it was since he couldn't see that side of the hallway. When Kurt told him, he reluctantly pulled away from Kurt's embrace and stood up while holding the wall. As Blaine started walking down the hallway, Kurt walked next to him and surveyed his body up and down as he walked.

Blaine looked worn and a little unsteady but he seemed determined not to have an interaction with the people so he walked quickly. Kurt had to pick up his pace to keep up with him.

When they got to the door of Kurt's apartment, Blaine stopped abruptly so Kurt did the same.

Blaine bit his lip nervously as he stared at the door handle.

"If you don't want to go in, we don't have to," Kurt said.

"No I do, I just-I don't know."

"Well we can try it and if you want to leave or if you want me to leave I can. Just tell me what you want to do and we'll do it."

"I want you. I...I want you to stay with me" Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand as he spoke and Kurt looked down at their hands surprised. He squeezed Blaine's hand reassuringly and then looked up at him.

"Okay. I'm not leaving then" Kurt said solemnly.

They walked inside together, holding hands and Blaine's eyes looked over every inch of the apartment. He took a deep breath and stared at the couch. Kurt noticed that Blaine had tensed so he tried to soothe him by rubbing his shoulders and speaking softly.

"It's just a couch, B. It's just a room and it's just furniture. It doesn't have to mean something bad and it doesn't have to mean anything at all. It means whatever you want it to mean."

Blaine nodded and moved to sit on the couch. He wasn't letting go of his vice grip on Kurt's hand so Kurt maintained his grip too and followed Blaine's lead. When they sat down, Blaine exhaled and they both leaned back into the couch. Blaine rested his head on Kurt's shoulder and Kurt smiled to himself. He missed it when Blaine did that. They sat quietly for a bit as Kurt was giving Blaine space to recover and say anything he needed to say.

After a few minutes, Blaine spoke, his voice heavy with emotion.

"I need time to get used to all of this. To get used to th-the apartment and you and everything."

"Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere."

"Do you mind if I sit out here for a while? I don't think I can go into the bedroom."

"Of course, B. You just do whatever is best for you and your mental health. Don't worry about me or being polite or anything."

"Thank you."

They sat in silence again but Kurt had a million questions bubbling around in his mind. He was piecing together everything Blaine had said and done for the last two days and he felt like he was missing something. He knew Blaine said he needed time but how much time did he mean? And in terms of talking, what was off-limits and what wasn't? Kurt figured the only way he would know was to ask. So after another few minutes of silence, Kurt decided to speak.

"Blaine, is it okay if I ask you a question about what you said before? If you're not ready then I completely understand and we don't have to talk about it." Kurt looked down at Blaine's face and saw that he seemed to be thinking about it for a second before he replied.

"It's okay, I don't mind. I wanted to tell you everything anyway."

"Well first, thank you for confiding in me. I know it wasn't easy but I'm really glad you told me what hapened. The thing I was wondering about was that...uhm..why you hesitated at the hospital when the doctor was talking about medication, depression and anxiety. I know you mentioned you were depressed and you saw a therapist but I just wanted to make sure I'm not missing anything. And if this makes you uncomfortable in any way you don't have to answer"

"No, it's okay. I uh-I'll tell you." Blaine sat up straight and rubbed his eyes before looking down. He fiddled with his fingers and the couch while he spoke.

"When I went to the therapist, she diagnosed me with situational depression and I had a few sessions where she taught me how to deal with it. She suggested medication but I wasn't sure about it. I had a really hard time sleeping so she recommended sleeping pills but I did-she didn't want to give me too many, so I couldn't use them all the time. I didn't like them anyway because they made me feel really spaced out and I couldn't concentrate in school. I stopped taking them before my exams started so that's why I hesitated. I was trying to remember if I had taken them recently."

Kurt gulped as he tried to fight the urge to burst into tears. Just when he thought his concern for Blaine couldn't get any worse, he felt it increase tenfold. Kurt didn't want to think about why the therapist didn't want to give Blaine too many sleeping pills, it was too scary to imagine. He also figured that if Blaine had stopped the pills, he probably wasn't sleeping and that's why he had slept so much at the hospital. _He probably finds it hard to sleep without drugs,_ Kurt thought.

Kurt closed his eyes as he digested all the information and when he opened them again he looked at Blaine seriously.

"Wow..uhm..thanks for telling me. That's really scary to go through alone. And again, I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

Blaine nodded and gave Kurt a small smile.

"It's okay."

Kurt stared intently at Blaine's face and he felt like he was looking at a whole new person. Not that he looked at him any differently or that he judged him but there was this side of him that Kurt just didn't know about. There was this struggle and pain but there was also resilience and strength. Kurt knew that Blaine was a strong person but Kurt was getting anxious just thinking about what he had to go through. Blaine was dealing with therapy, sleeping pills, panic attacks, and failing classes all on his own, while still managing to put a smile on his face. All Kurt has done recently was feel proud of himself for acing his exams. He felt ashamed and he added his 'uncalled for proudness' to the list of things he felt guilty for. He had done _nothing_ in comparison to Blaine.

Blaine looked up and caught Kurt staring at him. Kurt's eyes had started to water but he blinked rapidly while rubbing his eyes to try and hide it. The look that Kurt was giving him made Blaine feel extremely guilty so he grabbed Kurt's hand and put on a brave face as he spoke.

"You don't have to worry about me now though. I don't see the therapist as much anymore and it was really just school that was stressing me out recently. I haven't taken the sleeping pills in a while and I actually wasn't doing too bad in school, I just didn't ace my exams."

Kurt felt a tinge of anger at hearing that because he knew that Blaine was hiding how he really felt.

"Is that why you didn't tell the doctor you were depressed when she asked?" Kurt asked.

"Well, yea. I mean it really hasn't been that bad recently and the reason I wasn't eating was because I really was just stressed about school, and my throat hurt. I'm mostly fine now, I swear." Blaine smiled widely up at Kurt and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

Kurt gulped as he saw straight through the facade. _Did he really just say that?_ Kurt knew that the line between stressed and depressed was thin but what had happened to Blaine was not just stress _and it was not fine_. The way Blaine was talking about it made Kurt even more concerned because he knew the voice that he was using very well. It was usually reserved for distant relatives or acquaintances who needed reassurance that everything was calm and happy when the truth was usually that Blaine was anything but. Kurt had seen Blaine use that voice with people he wasn't close to and he was hurt that Blaine felt the need to use it with him. Kurt wished he didn't have to say what he was about to say, but he had to be honest. He took a deep breath and looked at Blaine seriously as he spoke.

"Blaine, I know you. I know you, and right now you are not fine."

Blaine's fake smile turned into a look of confusion and surprise as Kurt continued speaking.

"I mean you seem fine and yes you did stop the pills but have you really slept since you did? I know school stress is a lot but it's not enough to cause what happened to you yesterday."

Blaine opened his mouth to say something but Kurt looked at him pointedly and he shut his mouth.

"Blaine you've lost weight and you look like you haven't slept in weeks. At the hospital you couldn't stop sleeping, that's not okay."

"They gave me drowsy medicine, what else was I supposed to do?"

"Ok fine. Maybe you were tired because of the meds but do you remember why you had to get them in the first place? It's because you weren't taking care of yourself and I found you- I found you basically passed out in the bathroom because you hadn't eaten in days, maybe weeks. And today again I find you about to pass out in the hallway. So don't tell me you're okay and everything's fine because it's not!"

Kurt took a huffed breathe to make sure he didn't get too angry but Blaine had already sensed the tension in Kurt's voice and he didn't want to say anything to make it worse. Blaine just looked down in shame while Kurt let his fear and concern for Blaine take over as he got more riled up.

"Passing out is not fine. Going to the hospital is not fine. Forgetting to eat and sleep this often is not fine. What happened in the hallway just now, not fine! None of this is fine, Blaine!"

Blaine flinched when Kurt raised his voice. He looked away before whispering, "Please, don't shout."

Kurt immediately softened his tone when he realized what he did.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Blaine, I didn't mean to," he put his hand in Blaine's shoulder and rubbed reassuringly.

Kurt was mortified. _Why do I keep doing this?_ He mentally cursed himself as he spoke softly.

"I'm not mad at you, B. I'm not mad at all, I just- I hate seeing you in pain. I hate that you had to go through all of these scary things and I hate that I wasn't there. I'm mad at myself actually and I want- I need you to be okay. I know that depression sometimes doesn't go away but I also know that if we're gonna get through this together, you HAVE to be honest with me. Your pain is my pain and I can't sit here and listen to you saying you're fine when I know you're not."

Blaine nodded, finally understanding the reason for Kurt's outburst.

"I know, I'm sorry too. I don't mean to hide things, it just sort of happens. I guess I'm not used to this whole 'sharing everything with your best friend' thing."

"Well get used to it because I'm not going anywhere"

Blaine nodded.

"I mean it, Blaine. If you feel anything, you come to me."

"I will, I promise."

"I feel like we have this same conversation all the time. We can't keep going in circles, B." He rubbed Blaine's back and gave him a half-smile.

"I know. I'm sorry"

"It's okay. And I'm also really sorry I shouted. I honesty- it's just seeing you get hurt and knowing that I can't help you makes me really mad. And when you lie about it, it just makes me feel worse because I want to be that person that you shouldn't have to lie to. But I know it's my own fault that you can't trust me and I know that it'll take time for that to change."

"I want to tell you everything, Kurt. It's just hard sometimes. I haven't really talked about this with anyone before and I'm still...I don't really know how to feel about this-" Blaine lifted up their intertwined hands and smiled at Kurt before he continued, "-or about us anymore. I'm trying to figure it out though."

Kurt smiled back and nodded.

"Thank you for trying. And again, you can take however long you need to figure out whatever you need to. Just know that when you want to talk, I'll be here to listen and you don't need to hide anything."

Blaine nodded and let out a big sigh of relief before leaning back into the couch.

Kurt did the same and they sat quietly for a while. Soon Kurt noticed that Blaine kept looking at the front door, and seemed to be deep in thought.

"Did you actually have something to do today or did you just want to leave earlier?"

Blaine looked at Kurt guiltily and Kurt got his answer.

"Do you want to do something? Like is there anything that you want to do for fun or to relax today?" As Kurt finished his sentence Blaine let out a massive yawn. "Do you want to take a nap?"

Blaine shook his head but his tired eyes seemed to disagree. "I'm tired of sleeping all the time"

"Ok..well you should still rest. Do you want to watch a movie? Or a TV show or something"

"Movie sounds great"

"Ok! Movie it is."

Kurt reached for the remote for the DVR and named a bunch of movies for Blaine to choose from. When he decided, they started the movie but about halfway through, Blaine started drifting off to sleep. He shivered slightly and Kurt grabbed a few blankets to wrap around him while he pulled him in closer. Blaine finally fell asleep on Kurt's shoulder and Kurt planted a small kiss on his forehead.

After the day he had, Kurt found it very hard to resist the urge to cuddle with Blaine and drift off into a peaceful nap. It would make him happy but it wasn't what he really needed to do right now. His mind was swarming with ideas of things he could do to help Blaine and he knew he had to get on it. He couldn't fix everything but that didn't mean he wouldn't try to fix as much as he could, in any way he could.

He made sure Blaine was lying comfortably on the couch before he got up and grabbed his laptop. He did some research on NYADA's policies for repeating exams and taking sick days. He then called Blaine's doctor to get all of the details of his treatment and a note to confirm what happened.

The next thing he had to do was a risk but it just might pay off how he wanted it too. He glanced over at Blaine, thought about everything that happened today, and felt himself tear up. He tried to remember all of his acting lessons and training to exaggerate his crying before he picked up his phone and called Madame Tibideaux.

He was sobbing into the phone as he explained to her that Blaine was in the hospital from burnout and that he was extremely worried about him. He told her that he had sent her a doctor's note with all of the details and he lied a little about how long Blaine had been sick. He told her that the reason Blaine wouldn't say anything was because he was ashamed and didn't know how to ask for help. _That part was actually true._ He asked her if there was any way Blaine could redo any of his exams but she seemed to be at a loss for words. Kurt let out one more theatrical sob for good measure and she started telling him to calm down and stop worrying. Somehow he got her to give Blaine the week off to study and a chance to redo all of his exams after that. Kurt thanked her profusely and told her some made-up story about how she had saved both of their lives.

When he put down the phone he couldn't stop smiling and he chuckled to himself as he wiped his tears away. He went to check on Blaine and was surprised that he hadn't woken up from all the noise.

Kurt sat back down on the couch and put Blaine's head on his lap as he did some research on depression, medications and anything else he and Blaine had discussed today.

Kurt knew he was supposed to be relaxing. His exams were over so he could technically be doing whatever the hell he wanted. But he knew his mind wouldn't rest until Blaine's exams were over and he was doing better. It was the only thing that mattered to him right now.

Kurt shook his head as he thought about the dumb excuse he had come up to explain to his new friends why he couldn't hang out with them all week. When he texted it to them, they didn't seem to believe the excuse but Kurt realized that he didn't really care what they thought. Blaine needed him and suddenly he didn't care who he lost, or who stayed his friend with when it was all over.

Kurt looked down at Blaine's sleeping form and smiled as he ran his hand through Blaine's very messy curls.

It still amazed him how this one boy could turn his world upside down in a day and leave him utterly defenseless just by calling his name. _This is crazy. I can't believe the things I would do for him but I guess...that's love, isn't it?_ Kurt thought to himself. He realized that this vulnerability and lack of control that came with loving someone so much is what had scared him before. But now, sitting there with Blaine's head in his hands, Kurt realized that's he wouldn't have it any other way. He would take the helplessness that came with love any day if it meant spending more time with Blaine.

It was worth it. He was worth it.


	9. All my days

Later that evening, when Blaine was fully awake and Kurt made sure that he ate enough, he told him about the call with Madam Tibideaux. As Kurt mentioned the part about redoing his exams, Blaine's face lit up and his eyes grew wide with shock.

"Are you serious? I can redo all of them?"

"Yes! I know it's a lot of exams and it's not a lot of time but it's all I could get."

"Kurt! That's more than I could have ever asked for!" Blaine was smiling so wide that he started chucking, then cry-laughing. He stared at Kurt with an expression of complete joy and admiration.

"I can't believe this, Kurt. Thank you so much!" Blaine said while practically jumping out of his seat to give Kurt a tight hug.

Kurt was surprised by the hug but he squeezed back and felt his jaw ache from how widely he was smiling. He forgot how happy Blaine's smile made him.

As they broke apart from the hug, there was a brief moment where they were grinning at each other and they each stole a glance at the other's lips. Blaine quickly turned away, so Kurt looked down before anything happened.

Kurt knew that he couldn't be the one to make the first move. _Whatever happens between us in the future has to be Blaine's choice_ , Kurt thought. Surprisingly, he wasn't mad about it at all. Seeing Blaine get so excited after all this time made him too happy to think about anything else.

Blaine was still smiling widely when he looked away from Kurt and glanced around the room. He knew he wasn't ready to take such a big step yet. He had a lot of feelings he had to deal with before anything happened with Kurt and with exams looming around the corner, he couldn't spend his time thinking about anything else.

All he wanted to do now was make the most of his second chance.

Blaine took a deep breathe and allowed himself to feel the pure, unbridled happiness that was bubbling inside him. The air felt lighter, the lights seemed brighter and the apartment somehow felt safer and more like home than it had before. He glanced over at Kurt and smiled widely as he saw Kurt's happy expression.

"I don't know how to thank you Kurt, this is the best thing anyone had every done for me."

"Blaine, don't be silly. It's the least I could do, I mean that's what friends are for, right?"

"Right," Blaine beamed up at Kurt and tried not to let his thoughts show on his face.

Blaine wasn't used to the word "friends" coming out of Kurt's mouth but he didn't know if it was because they hadn't talked in a while or because he felt like they were more than friends. Whatever it was through, he knew that a "friend" was what he needed right now. He did however, promise himself that if a moment between them felt right in the future, he wouldn't stop himself.

Blaine was pulled out of his thoughts as Kurt started talking.

"I would also like to help you study if that's okay. I think we have some similar classes so I could give you my notes, or test you on stuff, if you want."

Blaine felt a wave of panic washed over him as he thought about how much he actually had to do this week. Flashes of memories from the last time he had to study this much filled his mind and it was hard to ignore the feelings that came with them. He remembered the exhaustion and emptiness that would nag at him everyday as he practiced dance routines in his tiny, dark apartment. He remembered staying up all night turning endless pages of highlighted notes, and how his hands would shake when he tried and failed to play the piano. _I couldn't do it then so why would I be able to do it now? I prepared so much for those exams and still did terribly. Why would this time be any different?_ _This is impossible_ , he thought.

Kurt noticed that Blaine was breathing heavily in a very similar manner to the way he was before he left the apartment this morning. Blaine started rubbing his fingers together nervously while he stared at his hands and occasionally glanced up at the door. As Kurt watched him, something in his mind clicked and he knew now what was happening or about to happen. Kurt felt concern rising in his chest but he tried to stay calm and mentally prepare himself to help. Blaine's voice was a little shaky when he spoke.

"I-I need to get my books, I have to practice my routines, I need to s-start studying right now."

Blaine was about to get off the couch but Kurt grabbed his hand and pulled him to sit back down. Blaine whipped his head around to glare at Kurt as he struggled against his hold. Kurt just held Blaine's arm tighter and pulled him back as he recognised the look of fear on Blaine's face. Kurt stifled the last embers of his own concern so he could project his calmness onto Blaine.

"Blaine, stop moving. You don't need to start studying right now."

"But I have so much-"

"Blaine, sit down!" Blaine knew he couldn't argue with Kurt's commanding tone so he stopped squirming and sat down. His body was still tense as he glanced between the arm rest and the door to the apartment while blinking rapidly. Kurt put his hands on Blaine's shoulders and squeezed tightly while angling Blaine so that he slowly turned to face Kurt. Blaine seemed to be lost in his thoughts and his eyes were red as he was breathing a bit fast.

"Blaine, you need to calm down. Everything's going to be fine, okay? Nothing's wrong, you're safe." Kurt said slowly while staring into Blaine's eyes.

Blaine nodded as he exhaled deeply and closed his eyes for a second.

"I didn't mean to scare you about the exams but trust me, you have enough time. Also, I don't mean to toot my own horn but I did pretty well on my exams so I think I can help you ace yours too if you'll let me."

Blaine nodded and started taking deep breaths while staring at Kurt and focusing on Kurt's voice as he continued speaking.

"Even without my help, Blaine, you're smart. You're really smart and you're talented as hell. There's nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it so just relax and try your best. I know you can do this."

Blaine smiled slightly and started breathing normally again. Kurt let out a sigh of relief and adjusted his grip on Blaine's shoulders so he was no longer firmly holding him in place. He had one hand on Blaine's shoulder reassuringly as he spoke.

"Is there anything else that you were concerned about? Or was it just the exams?"

Blaine contemplated for a few seconds but he realized he couldn't lie to Kurt anymore. Kurt had done everything for him, he owed him his honestly.

"I'm scared to go back to my apartment. It's where I studied last time and I know being there will just remind me of failing."

"Well, that's an easy fix. Just stay here."

"I can't ask you to do that, Kurt. I don't-"

"You're not asking, Blaine. I'm telling you that I want you to come and stay here. Are you gonna say no to your only and bestest friend?" Kurt opened his mouth in a fake shocked expression.

Blaine smirked and muttered, "No."

"Good. Now if you really want to study, we can go get your things and you can start but you really don't have to. It's up to you."

"I want to study now"

"Ok, let's go then" Kurt gave Blaine's shoulder one last squeeze before he got up to get ready to leave.

As soon as Kurt made it to his bedroom, he let his calm resolve crumble and he rubbed his eyes as he thought about what just happened. _That was too quick, he got worked up way too quickly. How the hell did he deal with this on his own?_ _How often did this happen?_ Kurt had done a lot of research this afternoon and it did help him understand what Blaine was going through, but he was still very concerned. He knew they were in for a stressful week and he was scared about what could happen.

Kurt had no problem taking care of Blaine but he knew that his own worrying would drive him insane if they didn't get outside help.

_He needs to go back to the therapist. If he doesn't want to take a break and go this week, then he has to go next week. I'll drag him there if I have to_ , Kurt decided.

Kurt thought about it as he got ready and he figured that if he was going to drag Blaine there anyway, it couldn't harm if he went in for a few sessions. He knew he had some personal issues he had to work through if he wanted to be his best self for Blaine and he also wanted to talk to someone about how he was feeling now. He had read about caregiver stress leading to issues in relationships and he definitely wanted to avoid that in any way he could.

* * *

The week wasn't as bad as Kurt thought it would be.

Blaine spent most of his time studying intently and when Kurt caught him staring into space or getting agitated, he tried his best to distract him or ask him questions to take his mind off of whatever was bothering him. Kurt didn't know if what he was doing was helpful but Blaine seems to smile or lean into his touch when he tried to reassure him. Blaine didn't have any panic attacks, but he did freak out over a particularly scary nightmare.

Kurt woke up one night to the sound of loud sobs and screams coming from the living room as Blaine was sleeping on the couch. When Kurt woke him up, Blaine didn't want to be alone so they decided that he should try sleeping in the bedroom. After that day, Blaine slept in the bed with Kurt every night and they cuddled occasionally. They both knew that the way they cuddled wasn't very "friendly" but Blaine needed it and Kurt couldn't say he didn't want it too.

Besides that, everything ran smoothly. Kurt made sure Blaine ate and slept properly, he tested him on his notes, they practised routines together, and they ended up singing a few duets but it was all in the name of "studying." Blaine took a study break for dinner every day and those breaks were the highlight of Kurt's day. They would talk about anything and everything while Kurt tried his best to make Blaine laugh with some outrageous story that he sometimes made up.

When the week was over and all the exams were done, there was nothing left to do but wait for the results.


	10. Who I wanna be

Since Blaine's make-up exams were a special case, it took less time to grade them and Blaine was told to expect a call from Madame Tibideaux a few days after his last exam.

When the day finally arrived, they waited with baited breaths as Blaine shakily checked and double-checked that his phone was charged and his ringer was not on silent.

They were sitting next to each other on the couch and they were both leaning forward as though being closer to the phone on the coffee table would make a difference. Blaine was gripping Kurt's hand tightly and his jaw was clenched as his leg bounced up and down. Kurt had already told him to stop shaking his leg but every time he would stop, he would just start back after a minute so Kurt stopped telling him.

Kurt had a good feeling about the grades but there was a part of him that was scared of what could happen if he was wrong. He really wasn't sure how Blaine would react to bad news.

Kurt gave Blaine's hand a little squeeze and smiled at him reassuringly. Blaine smiled back but Kurt could see the worry in his eyes.

"Blaine, just remember that no matter what happens, you did your best and there's nothing more you could have done," Kurt said softly.

Blaine took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead while he nodded at what Kurt said.

"If it's bad news, you still have options and we'll figure out something else, okay?" Kurt continued.

Blaine nodded again.

"I know. Thanks," he said quietly.

Blaine turned to stare intently at his phone again and Kurt sighed.

A loud ringing sound soon echoed through the room and Blaine jumped before fumbling for his phone and pushing it to his ear.

Kurt held his breath as he watched Blaine's facial expressions change while he spoke into the phone. He kept saying "yes" and "I understand" with a serious tone but he didn't seem happy or upset. Kurt squeezed Blaine's hand tighter and tried his best to read his expressions but he started second-guessing himself. A small smile crept onto Blaine's face but Kurt wasn't sure if it was a sad or happy smile. When Blaine finally hung up the phone, his expression remained neutral and he closed his eyes while letting out a big sigh.

Kurt was freaking out and he couldn't hold his breath any longer.

"Well? What did she say?" Kurt asked urgently.

Blaine looked up at Kurt and a huge grin spread across his face as he chuckled lightly.

"She said I got great marks in everything and I get to stay at NYADA" he sounded more relieved than excited but Kurt's eyes lit up at the news.

"Oh my God, Blaine! That's amazing!" Kurt shouted.

"Yea, I guess it is." Blaine sounded mildly amused but distant.

Kurt grabbed his shoulders and shook him lightly.

"Blaine! Why aren't you excited? This is such good news!"

Blaine rubbed his eyes and looked up at Kurt. He looked like he wanted to smile but he was trying not to.

"I just-I can't believe this is real. Did she really just tell me that? Is everything really okay?"

"Yes, Blaine! This is real! You're back at NYADA, everything's good! You know Madame Tibideaux would never lie about something like this; if she said it, then it has to be true," Kurt said confidently.

Blaine thought about it for a second before he came to the realization that Kurt was right. He turned to look at Kurt with his eyes wide and his mouth open in shock.

"Oh my God Kurt, it's really over! I'm free, it's summer!" He said excitedly as he grabbed Kurt's shoulders too.

"Yes, Blaine! You're done! You got through!

"Kurt, this is exactly what I wanted! This is amazing!"

"I know! That's what I've been trying to tell you, silly!" Kurt started laughing at how long it took for Blaine to figure it out and Blaine started giggling too.

"Wow, I'm so dumb," Blaine said, exasperatedly.

Kurt snorted and shook his head in amusement before speaking sarcastically.

"Well, I guess you should do those exams again, and maybe you'll get smarter," Kurt smirked.

Blaine laughed loudly and Kurt joined in. Blaine felt a lot of his stress and anxiousness melt away as they laughed together. When they stopped laughing they beamed at each other and Kurt could swear he saw a hint of love in Blaine's eyes. Kurt wouldn't let himself think about it for too long though.

Blaine let go of Kurt's shoulders and turned to look around the room. He seemed to be in a happy daze as he smiled at the furniture. Kurt couldn't help but smile to himself as he watched Blaine.

Blaine soon brought his attention back to Kurt and Kurt stared at him with admiration as he spoke sincerely.

"Blaine, I am so proud of you. There aren't many people who can study a year's worth of material in one week and get such great results. After everything you went through to get here, you really deserve this and I'm so happy for you."

Blaine's cheeks turned slightly pink as he looked down, seemingly flustered by what Kurt said. When he looked back up, he tilted his head to the side and grinned sheepishly at Kurt. 

"Kurt, you're being too nice, it really wasn't that impressive."

"It was, Blaine! You should be really proud of yourself."

Blaine smiled wider and he looked like he was about to cry with joy. He took a breath before shaking his head and looking at Kurt seriously.

"No, Kurt I can't take all the credit. You know I couldn't have done any of this without you. You're the one who should be praised for how much you helped me this week."

"It's was nothing, B. I'm just glad that everything worked out."

"It wasn't nothing. You basically saved my life twice this week; once when you found me and again when you helped me with the exams. Kurt, you are the only reason that I'm here today and that I did so well."

Kurt looked at Blaine seriously as he thought of the words "you are the only reason I'm here today." He gave Blaine a small smile and Blaine returned the smile before he spoke softly.

"Thank you so much, Kurt. Thank you, thank you, thank y-…" his voice got muffled by Kurt's shirt as he wrapped Kurt in a big hug and continued to thank him. Kurt hugged him tightly but he was concerned as he could sense that something was off about his voice. They soon broke apart from the hug and Blaine stared at Kurt intensely. Kurt didn't know what to do but before he could think about it more, he found himself getting lost in Blaine's eyes. Blaine cupped Kurt's face and Kurt didn't seem to notice but he did notice when Blaine spoke in a low voice.

"I love you so much, Kurt" he whispered as he moved his head closer to Kurt's. Kurt was surprised and a little alarmed but he moved his head closer to Blaine's and whispered back to him.

"I love you too, Blaine. Always."

They both instinctively moved in closer but Kurt stopped himself when their lips were millimeters apart. He looked at Blaine cautiously and Blaine could see that his face was saying, "Are you sure?" Blaine smiled at how considerate Kurt was being before he pulled Kurt's face in and kissed him slowly.

The kiss was soft and full of love as Kurt tried to convey everything he was feeling and Blaine did the same.

Blaine exhaled into the kiss and he felt himself melt. It felt right, it felt familiar and it felt so comfortable. As the kiss deepened, Blaine pressed his tongue inside Kurt's mouth and Kurt did the same, causing something to shift. Love turned into passion and passion turned into hunger as they continued to kiss and kiss and kiss. Kurt wrapped his hands around Blaine's neck and pulled him in while Blaine's hands traveled down Kurt's body.

Blaine felt relief engulf him and he realized that maybe some of the tension he was feeling this week wasn't about school. Somehow, this kiss felt calming in ways he didn't know he needed until now.

Kurt had also been burying everything he was feeling for Blaine this week as he knew he couldn't do anything about it. He was happy to finally let all the barriers he had up collapse and he got lost in the moment.

Blaine slowly broke apart from the kiss but only to pepper small kisses across Kurt's cheek, his jaw and his neck while Kurt tried to stop himself from moaning. He grabbed at Blaine's shirt and started to undo the buttons though his vision was slightly blurry.

"Oh my god, Blaine…I missed you so much" he whispered in a low tone that was only reserved for times like these.

Blaine stopped and looked up at Kurt, his eyes wide and full of lust.

"I missed you t-" Kurt cut him off with a rough kiss to his mouth. Blaine smiled as Kurt started kissing his neck.

"Kurt," Blaine whispered, "Kurt, I want you so bad."

Kurt felt every cell in his body tingle from the tone of Blaine's voice. He grabbed Blaine by the shoulders and led him to the bedroom as they both struggled to take off the last remaining articles of each other's clothing. Kurt pushed Blaine into the bed and giggled as Blaine's head collided with a fluffy pillow. They kissed passionately a few more times before Kurt quickly pulled away, looking hesitantly at Blaine.

"What? What happened?" Blaine asked

"You're sure you want to do this, right?" Kurt asked hopefully.

Blaine smiled and kissed the palm of Kurt's hand that was currently on his cheek.

"Yes, yes I've never been more sure," Blaine said while pulled Kurt's body closer to him. Kurt grinned as their lips crashed into each other's for what seemed like the hundredth time that evening.

They continued to kiss and do lots of other things that "friends" don't do to each other until they were both starving and forced to order take-out as they were too "busy" to cook. They couldn't keep their hands off of each other all throughout dinner and throughout the night as they exchanged glances, laughs, kisses and other bodily fluids.

They stayed up way past their usual bedtime and Kurt wished the night would never end but he knew the morning of uncomfortable conversations was inevitable.


	11. In the end

The next day, Kurt and Blaine stayed in bed cuddling until late in the afternoon.

Aside from a short break to eat and tidy up the apartment, they spent most of the day just relaxing, playing with each other's hands, and blissfully enjoying each other's company.

As the evening wore on, they retreated back to bed with Blaine lying on Kurt's chest while Kurt was propped up slightly with his arm around Blaine's back.

Kurt slowly traced his fingers along Blaine's spine until he reached the back of his neck. He ran his fingers softly through Blaine's hair and Blaine hummed contently as he nuzzled deeper into Kurt's shoulder.

Kurt closed his eyes and his lips curled into a broad smile that filled his entire face. He couldn't remember the last time he was this happy. He used to scoff at the notion that love was like a drug but now he whole-heartedly understood the concept. If love was a drug, then he was high as a kite right now.

The only thing keeping him from fully basking in the glory of it was the conversation he knew he had to have with Blaine. He didn't want to break their reverie, but he had promised himself that they would have a serious talk after Blaine's exams and he knew he couldn't fully relax until it was done. Kurt sighed as he thought of all the things he had to say.

"So I guess we should talk," Kurt said nonchalantly.

Blaine looked up from his position on Kurt's chest and smiled up at Kurt.

"I guess so."

Kurt wanted to ease into the conversation so he grinned at Blaine as he tried to maintain a playful tone.

"Well, I for one, had a great time last night"

Blaine smirked.

"Well, I for one, think that's an understatement"

Kurt chucked, his face going red as Blaine leaned in to kiss him.

Kurt couldn't help himself and they kissed a few times before Kurt pulled back to see Blaine looking longingly at him.

"Blaine, come on we really have to talk about this."

"Okay," Blaine sighed and moved to sit down next to Kurt with his legs crossed. He grabbed Kurt's hand and pulled until Kurt was sitting and they were facing each other.

"What do you want to talk about?" Blaine asked.

"Come on, Blaine you know," Kurt said pointedly.

"No, I don't." Blaine gave Kurt a mock confused expression.

"Blaine! Are you really gonna make me say it?"

"Say what?" Blaine looked at Kurt with a sly grin.

"Well, what we did last night was not very friendly! And...I just wanted to clarify if it was a one-time thing or...if it meant something to you because it meant something to me but I don't want to do anything or ask for anything you're not ready for or not comfortab-"

"Kurt, stop. Stop." Blaine shook his head while smiling affectionately at Kurt's slightly fearful expression. Blaine took a deep breath and looked up sincerely.

"Kurt, you are the love of my life and I don't think we will ever be 'just friends'. I wanted to do everything that happened last night and I want to do it again. It meant something to me too and I think...I think I'm ready now."

Blaine looked down at their intertwined hands and he squeezed tighter while Kurt did the same. Kurt put his other hand on Blaine's cheek and spoke softly.

"Are you sure? Because there is no obligation and I'll be here for you regardless of what you decide."

"I know. I know that now. You have done more for me in the last few weeks than anyone has done for me in my entire life. I don't know what I would have done without you and I don't know how I can even begin to thank you."

"Blaine, you don't owe me anything. I really enjoyed spending time with you and helping you study was the least I could do. I mean I'm the one that messed everything up in the first place."

Kurt bowed his head in shame and Blaine looked like he was about to object but Kurt spoke before Blaine could.

"I know you say you're ready but I can't imagine that you've forgiven me so quickly. I mean I haven't even forgiven myself."

Blaine was surprised at Kurt's statement but he countered quickly.

"You should, Kurt. It's really ok, I think...maybe I was being a bit dramatic about the whole breakup and failing my exams. I should have studied harder and I shouldn't have blamed you for my problems. I was also um..too involved with the wedding planning and I shouldn't have rushed things."

"No Blaine, you did absolutely nothing wrong. I was the one who would pick fights with you and argue about the stupidest things. I know now that it was because I was scared of intimacy but back then-," Kurt gulped and his voice softened before he continued, "-back then it was so cruel. I can't believe I did that; I can't believe I broke up with you like that. I'm such a horrible person." Kurt sniffled as he started to tear up.

Blaine was shocked. He didn't realize how much guilt Kurt was carrying over what happened and he realized now that Kurt was probably holding it in for his sake.

Blaine saw that Kurt was blinking to hold back his tears so he nudged Kurt's chin up and spoke solemnly while staring at Kurt's guilt-ridden face.

"Kurt, you are not a bad person. Not at all. I could go on for hours about how you are the farthest thing from a bad person there is. We all make mistakes and we all deserve a second chance. I know I have made my fair share of mistakes in this relationship but you forgave me just the same."

Kurt was listening to what Blaine said but he didn't seem to agree. He just continued to sniffle as a couple of tears fell from his eyes. Blaine felt a knot in his chest as he cupped Kurt's face and wiped the tears away quickly.

"Please don't cry, Kurt. It's really okay."

"No, it's not. I wasn't even a good friend to you after everything we've been through. When we broke up the last time, we were still friends at least. But this time I wasn't there for you when you needed me. How can you just forgive me after I hurt you so much? How can you trust me after I let you down like that?"

Kurt's words stung a little and Blaine knew he would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about those exact same things. Blaine sighed and thought about it for a second. He wanted to say the right thing so that Kurt wouldn't feel bad but he also knew he had to be honest.

"Kurt, I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you that it's going to be easy because it's not. I have a lot of issues and feelings that I have to work through and maybe you do too. But a very smart person once told me that trust is a choice. And if we make a choice to trust and love each other through everything, even if we are not together, even when we are upset or scared, I think we'll be ok."

He gave Kurt a small smile and Kurt smiled back. Kurt sniffled a few times to regain his composure before he spoke.

"Wow, that person you met sounds really cool."

Blaine chucked.

"He is. He really is."

Kurt was smiling but Blaine could tell that he was still thinking about something else. He soon cleared his throat and looked up at Blaine as he spoke.

"Blaine, I think we need to make some new promises. I think we need to be honest and tell each other what we really want and expect if we are going to be together again."

"Okay, yea. I think that's a good idea."

"Do you want to start?"

Blaine nodded and thought about it for a few seconds before he spoke.

"Kurt...I want you to explain to me why you're upset when you're upset. If I'm doing something that makes you uncomfortable or if you're angry or afraid about anything in the future, just talk to me about it. We need to talk more."

"I agree. I promise to tell you if I ever feel rushed or afraid of things moving too fast. I can't promise that I won't get angry but I can try harder to understand why, and talk to you about it so you understand too."

"It's ok if you get mad at me, Kurt. I know I was a bit pushy and clingy before but I promise to give you your space now and you don't have to feel like you can't tell me when you need it."

"Thank you. And you're right, sometimes I do need space but Blaine, that has nothing to do with you. I just need you to remember that if I get mad or if I need space, it's about me and my own insecurities. I was always scared of intimacy and I would have had those fears with anyone. It was never about you and it's not about you now. It's me, I'm the one who was wrong."

Blaine took a breath and tried to wrap his head around everything Kurt said. It was reassuring to hear that he wasn't the reason Kurt was scared but there was still something nagging at him.

"You're not wrong for feeling those things, Kurt. I mean my insecurities are way worse so I understand. I think the reason I rushed the engagement and wanted to spend so much time with you was because I was always scared that you would leave me. I used to think that doing those things would make you stay but I guess they just..uh..made things worse."

Blaine smiled sadly and Kurt looked at him seriously.

"I think we both have some issues we need to work out together and separately to be our best selves for each other. I was going to bring this up later but I think now is as good of a time as any."

Kurt took a deep breath and sighed as he looked into Blaine's eyes.

"Blaine, I need you to promise me that you will be regular with your therapist. I know it's scary and hard but I need you to be okay and I know that no matter what I say or do, there are some things that I can't fix. I know I have my own issues too so I'm considering going to a therapist for myself as well."

Blaine opened his mouth to reply but he was a little shocked and he really wasn't sure what to say.

Kurt continued with his train of thought before Blaine could respond.

"I know that's a lot to ask but if you don't want to start right away, I was thinking that we could consider couples counseling as well. Besides working on ourselves, I think working on our relationship together in a space like that might help. I think we owe it to ourselves to give it our best shot this time."

Blaine was definitely surprised by all of this but he wasn't opposed to the idea.

"I think um...I think that's a good idea, Kurt. I mean I know that going by myself was tough so it might be helpful to go together."

Kurt let out the breath he was holding in.

"I'm so glad you said that Blaine because I was prepared to argue with you until you agreed."

Blaine smiled and Kurt returned the gesture.

Kurt knew that was a difficult conversation to have and he was proud of himself for saying what he did. Blaine's responses made him feel very relieved and optimistic about their future. He looked at Blaine and noticed that he was staring intently at their mattress, seemingly deep in thought.

"Did you have something else you wanted to add?" Kurt asked.

Blaine looked up at Kurt nervously.

"I know we are probably going to talk about this with the therapist but I just need you to promise me one more thing."

"Of course, B. Anything"

Blaine smiled slightly before continuing.

"Can you..uhm…promise me that you'll always talk to me? I think beyond our relationship we need to make a promise to be in each other's lives and talk to each other even if we are broken up. Like even if we fight and even if we are mad we'll always be friends, right?"

Kurt looked at Blaine's hopeful gaze and his heart broke. All he felt was guilt, guilt, and more guilt. He was the one that made Blaine doubt their friendship. He was the one that had missed calls and ignored Blaine. The fact that he even had to ask that question made Kurt feel like a terrible person again.

He squeezed Blaine's hand tighter before he spoke as firmly as he could.

"Blaine, I promise you that no matter what's happens in our future, I will always be there to talk and listen to you. I know I broke that promise before but I swear to you, I swear I will never do something like that again."

Blaine smiled and nodded but Kurt could tell he didn't fully believe him. Kurt wished there was some other way he could prove how much he meant what he said but he couldn't think of one. He felt himself tear up a little and he looked at Blaine earnestly before lifting their intertwined hands to his chest.

"Blaine, I hope you know how serious I am when I say that I've never regretted something so much in my entire life. Leaving you was the biggest mistake I've ever made and I will spend the rest of our time together making it up to you."

Blaine looked at Kurt's red, tear-filled eyes and he couldn't deny the conviction in them.

"I believe you," Blaine said solemnly.

As those words left his mouth, Blaine exhaled slowly and suddenly felt very free. It felt good to forgive and let go of his anxiousness around Kurt leaving. Everything Kurt said about the issues they were having before and how they both needed to work on themselves made a lot of sense. He took comfort in the knowledge that the break-up wasn't entirely his fault, and he finally felt hopeful about their future together.

He looked over at Kurt and frowned as he noticed that that the older boy still had tears in his eyes.

"Kurt, what's wrong? Why are you still upset ?" He asked slowly.

"Blaine, I want to make something clear. I will always want you and need you in my life in some way. No matter what happens and no matter what changes, I can't lose you. I hope you know that."

"Of course, I know. I can't lose you either, Kurt. I couldn't bear it last time and you don't know how happy it makes me that you feel the same way."

Kurt smiled slightly but Blaine knew there was something he wasn't saying. Kurt just stared sadly at Blaine for a few seconds while Blaine tried to read him. Before he could ask a question, Kurt looked down and burst into tears.


	12. The only one who's ever known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *TW* MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE. (mostly just tough conversations)

Blaine saw tears streaming down Kurt's face and he was immediately concerned. He rubbed Kurt's back while he spoke.

"Kurt, please talk to me. What's wrong?"

Kurt took a shaky breathe in and shook his head.

"It's nothing, I'm sorry," he said as he sniffled a few times.

"Kurt, come on, that's my line. What happened to being honest and talking more?"

"I just d-don't want to make you uncomfortable." Kurt continued to cry and rub his eyes.

"You won't, Kurt, I'm completely comfortable with you now. I'm sorry I never asked how you were feeling but if something's bothering you, I need to know. You don't have to pretend to be okay for me, I can handle it."

Blaine was searching his eyes and Kurt nodded as he took a few hitched breaths to calm himself before speaking.

"Blaine, you have to promise me that you'll never leave me."

"I promise, Kurt. I'll never leave, but what's this all about?"

"Blaine, you were so sick recently and it just-I was terrified. I know you're doing better now but I also know that it could have been so much worse."

Kurt took a shaky breath in and gripped Blaine's hand tighter as he stared at him with tear-filled eyes.

"Blaine, if you ever feel alone or down or something I need you to talk to me. Because if you don't and you..uhm…if you hurt yourself or d-don't take care of yourself or if something happens to you Blaine, I-" he shook his head and took a shuddered breath, "-I would be lost. I wouldn't know what to do with myself and it would break me." His voice cracked and he tried to stop the onslaught of tears pouring out of his eyes.

Blaine froze when he realized what Kurt was talking about. He felt tears fill his eyes too and he could swear the air in the room got warmer and heavier. He had tried so hard to bury the memories from those sleepless, lonely nights at his apartment but now he was thinking about them again. Kurt continued to talk and Blaine took a deep breath as he focussed on Kurt's voice to calm himself.

"I know it's selfish but I need you, Blaine. I really need you. You can't leave me that way, you can't do that me. I've already lost so many people in my life B, I can't lose you too. I just c-can't," he choked out as he started sobbing heavily.

Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt and pulled him into a tight hug. Kurt continued to cry on Blaine's shoulder and Blaine tried his best to reassure him. He rubbed Kurt's back and spoke softly.

"Shhh...it's ok, I'm here. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for you for as long as you'll have me, Kurt. Once you're in my life, I don't think about it. All those doubts and insecurities, they fade into the background when I see your smile and when you hold me. I love you so much and I know now how much you care. I could never do that to you and I'm sorry for making you so scared."

Blaine could feel Kurt nodding and burrowing his head into the crook of his neck. Kurt grabbed at Blaine's shirt and held him tighter.

"Promise me you'll always be here," Kurt whispered.

"I promise I'll be here for you, Kurt. I'll do anything for you."

Kurt sniffled a few times and let out a sigh as he spoke tearily.

"Blaine, I want you to do it for me but I also want you to do it for yourself."

Blaine gulped as he thought about what Kurt said earlier about seeing the therapist.

"I can..um..I'll work on it," he said half-heartedly.

Kurt looked up at Blaine and Blaine smiled down at him as both of their teary eyes met. Kurt could tell from Blaine's voice that he had tried but it had been hard.

Kurt sniffled a few more times before he cleared his throat and spoke softly.

"I know it's difficult and I know you can't guarantee anything. I wish there was an easy fix and I wish it was as easy as promises we make to each other but I know it's not. Blaine, all I want is for you to try your best and give yourself a fair shot. A fighting chance, you know? And that means taking to me, talking to the therapist, and admitting when you need help."

Blaine nodded and sighed before he spoke.

"I wish it was easier too but I will try my hardest, I promise. I'll do it for you now but I'll work on doing it for myself. It's just..uh..really…fucking hard sometimes."

Blaine blinked a few times and looked down as a stray tear fell from his eye.

Kurt could see a hint of pain in Blaine's eyes that he knew he would never understand. He reached his hand up and gently wiped Blaine's tears with his thumb as Blaine continued to stare down at the bed. Kurt desperately wished he could do more or say more or take the pain away but he knew he couldn't.

He did the only thing he could do and just held Blaine closer to him while he rubbed his shoulder and spoke sadly.

"I know, B. I know. All I wanted was for you to try."

Blaine nodded slowly and Kurt planted small kisses on his neck and collar bone before he leaned into Blaine's chest and breathed him in. He listened to Blaine's heartbeat and used it to remind himself of how happy he was that Blaine was here right now, and he was his again.

Blaine smiled slightly at the feeling of Kurt's lips against his skin and he closed his eyes as he focused on the tightness of Kurt's arms wrapped around him. It grounded him and pierced through the veil of heavy thoughts that usually pulled him down. He knew he had a long way to go, but he also knew that whatever he had to face would be ten times easier when Kurt was holding him like the world would stop if he let go.

* * *

After sitting there for some time, they shifted positions so that they were lying down with Kurt's head on Blaine's shoulder and Blaine lying on his back. Blaine had one hand around Kurt's back while his other hand clutched Kurt's hand tightly.

They both sniffled and calmed at the sound of each other's breathing and the feeling of warmth and closeness between them. They were too emotionally drained to move but also too preoccupied with their thoughts to sleep.

After what seemed like hours, Kurt cleared his throat and spoke.

"Are you up?"

"Yes," Blaine replied.

"I just wanted to tell you that I love you..a lot," Kurt said affectionately.

Blaine chuckled lightly.

"I love you too, Kurt. But since when are you the sappy one?"

Kurt shrugged.

"I don't know."

Blaine smiled to himself as he thought about everything Kurt had said today. He had been so expressive and it was a little jarring for Blaine but it made him feel very good. He was really proud of Kurt for the conversation they had.

"Well, whatever the reason, I'm glad. At least now I can take a break and let you do all the romantic gestures for once."

"Hey! I do gestures!"

"Really? Because last time I checked, I'm the one who proposed, I planned a whole song and dance, and I've done multiple serenades."

"Blaine! I never asked you to do any of that stuff."

"Well that's the point, isn't it? You're not supposed to ask, you're supposed to just do it."

Kurt rolled his eyes and tilted his head up so he was looking directly at Blaine.

"Ok, fine. There is something I wanted to say to you but it's really sappy."

"I love it already," Blaine said teasingly.

"Blaine! This is serious, ok?" Kurt sighed, "It kinda has something to do with what we were talking about before."

"Oh," Blaine said as he took a breath. He wasn't sure if he could handle another serious conversation.

"It's not that serious, Blaine. It's just something I've wanted to say to you."

Blaine smiled. "Ok, go ahead"

Kurt sat up and moved to sit next to Blaine while maintaining his grip on Blaine's hand. They made eye contact and Kurt took a deep breath.

"You know um, you were asking me why I was saying all this stuff now when I don't usually talk so openly about my feelings." Blaine nodded encouragingly.

"Well, it's because I never really thought about the fact that something could happen to you and there would be stuff I never got to say."

Blaine gulped and squeezed Kurt's hand.

"So I'm just gonna say this now and I want you to remember it."

Kurt took a breath.

"I know that sometimes this heavy stuff, and what you're going through can make you feel like you don't matter or that your life isn't worth much. But I just wanted to remind you that you are everything to me. I know I said this already, in the hallway, but I meant it when I said I would give up anything for you, Blaine. Nothing is more important to me than you, nothing, ok?"

Blaine felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes and he was too overwhelmed to speak so he just nodded and Kurt continued.

"I just want you to remember that even if I seem tired or busy or even if I'm angry at you, I will always love you and need you. I will always have time for you and if something is bothering you or important to you, I need you to tell me. The next time you don't want to ask for help, I need you to remember that you can talk to me anytime about this stuff. It doesn't even have to be big things; if something small is bothering you, I want to know. I love you so much, Blaine and you will never not be a priority in my life."

Blaine was smiling so widely that his cheeks hurt and he sniffled tearily as he tried to recover from the growing feeling of gratitude that was consuming him. He opened his mouth to reply but the shock, admiration, and amazement he was feeling made it very hard to speak properly.

"I love you so much, Kurt..I..you..wow-" He started but when he saw Kurt's bashful smile all he could do was plant a soft kiss on his lips. They kissed slowly and both tasted salt from all their tears. As they broke apart, Kurt felt himself melt into the feeling of drugged love he felt this morning.

Blaine still couldn't believe all the words that came out of Kurt's mouth. _How did he know the exact right things to say?_ _How did he know everything I was thinking before I even knew it?_ As he thought about it more, the strength of Kurt's words resonated with him, and he finally regained his voice.

"Kurt, that was amazing. What you said…it really means so much to me, thank you so much. You know you're my whole world too and I would-"

"I know, Blaine. You don't have to say anything."

Blaine beamed up at Kurt while Kurt gave Blaine a smile that slowly curled into a playful smirk.

"Plus, I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you were going to say. I've heard all your speeches before," Kurt said as he faked a yawn.

Blaine chucked before mimicking Kurt's playful expression.

"I guess I have to start thinking of some new material then."

"Yup, your reign as king of romantic speeches may soon be over."

"Hey, I have much more experience than you. You can't compete with just a few days of nice stuff."

"Oh, really? You clearly don't know me at all, Anderson. I'll do anything to win."

"I mean...if I'm the one getting a ton of romantic speeches being said to me, who's the real winner here?"

"Still me. Always me."

Blaine laughed and pulled Kurt closer to him.

"Come, here," Blaine said as they kissed a few times.

As they broke apart slowly, Blaine tilted his head and gazed up at Kurt.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?"

Kurt was all out of witty, romantic comebacks so he settled for honesty.

"Blaine, I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. I don't think we will ever agree on who deserves who more."

"You're right. I think we should just agree to be happy that we found each other then."

"It seems like we just keep finding each other, doesn't it?" Kurt asked.

"I mean yea, everything that's happened in our lives keeps leading us to each other without us even planning it."

"Like how did I find you at Dalton and how did I find you in the bathroom last week? It was just so random and I keep thinking about what a crazy coincidence it was," Kurt mused.

Blaine smirked.

"I don't know, I think it could be more than that."

"Really?" Kurt said skeptically.

"Yea, I think fate did this on purpose. I think we were meant to keep finding each other and we were meant to be in each other's lives forever."

"Oh Blaine, I thought we were done with the speeches."

"Kurt, I'm trying to say something nice here, jeez."

Kurt chucked loudly and Blaine shook his head in mock frustration.

"Fine, let me think of something new."

Kurt tried not to laugh while Blaine had a fake concentration face on that was bursting at the seems with a playful grin. About a minute later, Blaine spoke.

"I got it."

"You sure?"

"Yes! Now take this seriously, Kurt."

"Okay!" Kurt said as he softened his gaze and looked at Blaine sincerely.

"I think we are both just really, really lucky."

"Luck, huh?"

"Yea, I mean we've both had some bad stuff happen to us and we talk about what we deserve and don't deserve but what we don't realize is that what we have together, with each other, is really rare. No matter how it happened or why it happened, it did, and that's why we are lucky."

Kurt smiled as he let the dazed feeling of love that was growing inside him, consume him. He wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck and Blaine did the same while smiling back. They moved so that their foreheads were touching and Kurt spoke in a low voice.

"I never thought about it that way but you're right, B. Whether I deserve it or not, I know I am incredibly lucky to have you in my life."

Blaine grinned and pulled Kurt a little closer before he spoke softly.

"I'm the luckiest"

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Everyone! Thank you so much for reading my fic! I also posted it on FF.net but I wanted to post it here to see how it goes. My username on FF is SalvatoreStiles if anyone's interested. I'm very surprised at all the 2020 Gleeks but I'm so happy for it. Please let me know what you think and lookout for the next chapter!


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